The Time Has Come

The blush is off the rose.....and been placed elsewhere.....

I'm feeling much better, K is feeling much better....and the re-organization, re-establishment, re-connection has begun.

I have been slipping for a while now.  I'm not sure how it happens.  It's kind of like a stone rolling down the hill.....first it's very, very slow....but as it gains momentum (and with nothing to stop it), it begins to careen down the hillside.  Eventually it will crash to a halt (when it hits that brick wall), but it's a heck of a ride til then.

My attitude and submission are on that rocky slope.  It started out with just small things....an eye roll....a slight mutter under my breath....just the slightest hesitancy when asked to do something (or stop doing something).   As time went on, I got a bit braver...an exaggerated sigh, my muttering got louder, a pout here, a stomp there......to where I find myself today....a blatant No when asked to comply with a request, stalling, arguing (I like to call it reasoning...K doesn't), and even some retaliation (a playful pinch or slap).

Like I said, I have been really sick...and K will not punish when I'm not myself.  I know I'm better because the total orneryness (is that a word?) is back with a vengeance.  I like to pretend that I'm "just playing" or "just teasing", but we both know that's not the case.  I'm testing...and pushing....and poking the big, bad bear.

Maybe it's because it's been so long since I've really had a good, long dose over his knee.  Maybe it's because I know I want him to step in and enforce the limits.  Maybe I just want to see if he can still fill the role I need from him.

We need to get back on track.  We've talked about it...he knows....I know he knows....and he's assured me that as soon as our company leaves, we're going to have a long discussion about how to get back to where we were.  And for a while, there is going to be zero tolerance on his part.  

That makes me glad....and anxious....and reassured. 

I don't care what anyone else thinks about the way we choose our lifestyle.  I've learned enough about myself to know what I need and how I need it.  I might not know why I need it, but I do....and so does he.  It doesn't make me a child, or a freak....it makes me a woman who will do whatever necessary to make my relationship the best that it can be.   I'm ready to reconnect, re-establish, and re-educate.


And I know just the man for the job......

Help!!!! I'm computer illiterate!!!

Can anyone help me?  I'm trying to comment on other posts and even my own....but blogger keeps telling me I do not have permission and that I should log out and enter another account.....but I only have one!!!  

Help....does anyone have any suggestions?

I'd ask my kids, but, you know, the blog might freak them out....LOL...

Thanks, all you computer whizzes!!

The Good News Is.....The Bad News Is.....

It's been so long since I've posted, I've almost forgotten how!

I have been down with double pneumonia for almost a week now.  What started as a cold (or so I thought), has manifested itself into full blown pneumonia.  I thought I was getting better, but then WHAM...it hit me again and I finally broke down and went to the doctor.  On the bright side, I feel so much better today than yesterday, and hopefully tomorrow will be even better.

So, knowing all that...the good news is there haven't been any spankings around here lately.....


The bad news is....there haven't been spankings around here lately......

K absolutely refuses to spank me if I am sick or hurting....absolutely, positively, none....which is actually a good thing.  I know I would have hacked up what was left of my lungs if he had tried.

Conversely, I miss it

I'm relieved.....I want it, but I don't.....I need it, but I'm anxious.  It's been so long since I've been over his lap, I hardly remember what it's like. 

The last maintenance we had was very close to my period and I was super sensitive. He even remarked how much I was squirming....

So now what?  I'm on the mend.  I should be up and around in the next few days.  I know it's only a matter of time.....which makes me smile....and makes me nervous.

I'm not the best patient in the world.  I have a hard time letting others take care of me......K has been absolutely wonderful....catering to me, bringing me snacks, milkshakes, back rubs, foot rubs, magazines, medicine....anything and everything I wanted.  If I ever doubted he loved me....it's been reinforced ten-fold.  However, there were times when I felt I could get up and do things that I really shouldn't have.  He told me NO in no uncertain terms....I argued...and pleaded....and begged....and pouted (just a bit), so I have a feeling we are going to have some "discussions" about this.

We've already talked about how we need to ease back into our routine...my tolerance is way down....but he has already told me we WILL be getting back into our routine sooner rather than later. 


The good news...the spankings are going to return soon....

The bad news is.....the spankings are going to return soon....

But I'm ready (I think)

I'm Alive....I'm Alive!!!

Hello Everyone!!

Yes, I am still alive and kicking.  I've had some major computer issues (crashed hard drive), personal issues, and family issues that caused me to take some time out and re-evaluate things.  I am happy to report that most of these have been resolved and I am ready to move forward. 

I have missed all of you and hope you haven't given up on me.  I am slowly catching up on all the blogs and seeing what all of you have been up to.  I'm sure I've missed tons in the last month and a half...I can't wait to hear about all your journeys.

Hope everyone has had a good fall so far....worried about all of you in the northeast....are you completely buried? 

I will be catching all of you up on my life soon.  K and I are still going strong...loving, learning and growing together one day at a time. 

Looking forward to hearing from any of you.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

A Good Girl Spanking

Apparently, K and I need to work on our spanking interpretation..

or maybe just our terminology....

It was Saturday morning.  We had spent the night in a hotel because his son was getting married in another town a couple hours from our home.  I had taken care of the baby so they could get ready for the wedding.  I had a fabulous time spoiling the daylights out of him, but had forgotten how much work a 5 month old can be.

Just an aside to all you DD women out there who are currently raising babies....god love you! 

Anyway, although it was absolutely wonderful to spend time with the munchkin, I was ready for him to go home and have some private time with K. 

We woke up late (mmm...I love sleeping in) and were just laying in bed talking and catching up on the week.  We were discussing the wedding, who would be there, how it was going to go down, etc.  We knew it was going to be a bit crazy with all the exes and step family and so on.  We discussed things we thought could be an issue or become an issue.  Then K told me he was going to give me a "good girl spanking" as I hadn't had one in a while.   Well, ofcourse, my eyes lit up and my heart started racing....heck, yes, bring it on!!  I had visions of light swats, and lots of rubbing and stroking, and....well, you get the picture....

I flipped over on my stomach quickly....yes, yes, yes.....let's go....

K started my spanking...and not very easy....

Hey, wait a minute....this isn't how it's supposed to start.....

then it got harder.....

Hold on....what the *&*#j!!

Then the lecture started...."this is what I expect....this is how it's going to go....blah, blah, blah...do you understand?...etc, etc.

I could only squeak out my answers b/c the swats were coming hard and fast.....

It ended with the promise of another much longer, much harder spanking if there were any problems....

When it was over, I looked at him strangely...

"What?"

"What exactly was THAT?"

"It was a good girl spanking."

"Uh, no it wasn't.....that HURT!"

"I know it did, I meant it to. I want you to remember to be a GOOD GIRL and not do anything to cause you to get a harder one when we get home."

I sat there dumbfounded....

"What did you think I meant?"

So I had to explain MY interpretation of a "good girl spanking"....

"Oh, well that would have been fun too.  But I think my interpretation will be much more effective."

I hate to admit it, but he was right.  And sitting beside him watching the ceremony, I couldn't help but smile at the mix-up. 

But I won't fall for that trick again!

Checking In

I have nothing to write.  Nothing creative...or thought provoking....or funny....or poignant....or insightful.  My mind is mush.  I'm getting ready to start back to school next week, K's son is getting married on Saturday, I get to keep the baby for 2 nights (and spoil him rotten), and my kids are making me crazy. 

I've been very sweet and submissive to K...mostly, with only a few "reminder" spankings.  I go to the doctor tomorrow to see about getting back on my "sanity" pills.  I'm a bit nervous....it's kinda like the first day of school.  Why do doctors make one so nervous?  I keep reminding myself that she works for me...but it still makes me anxious.  Maybe I'm just afraid she'll tell me what I already know...I need to eat healthier, exercise more, take vitamins, get plenty of sleep, lose some weight...you know....

Anyway, life is calm...for now...the weather is beautiful...no hurricanes or earthquakes in sight. 

I'm loving reading every one else's blog entries.  Hopefully, I'll have something creative/thought provoking/funny/poignant/insightful soon....but til then....I'm just checking in.

Have a great week all!

HA HA! I was Right!!

Before reading, please understand that most of the following exchange was done with an air of humor and levity......if it was serious, I wouldn't take such pleasure in the result....

So, a couple days ago, before my hate mail rant, I was telling you about the new plan of action K and I had established to get me out of my snit filled attitude.  It's actually something I came up with, and he helped me tweak (isn"t he so helpful?).

I actually made it 2 days before it came into effect....I will now pause for a brief moment of applause.

I should be contrite....I should be reflective....I should feel just a wee bit bad.....but I don't.

Because you see......I WAS RIGHT!!!!!!  HA HA!!  Did everyone catch that???  I WAS RIGHT!!

I have been really sweet for the past few days.  Not because of the threatened spanking, but because I finally feel more at peace with myself and K.  We have acknowledged the problem, come up with a plan, and are moving forward.  Things have been really good around here.

Last night, I came home where K was waiting for me.  This doesn't happen much as he usually works later, but he got done early and I had a tennis match that went longer than anticipated.  He was waiting for me with some good tunes and a nice cold beer (I just love coming home to him).  We were rehashing our day, laughing over some of the antics of the school kids I had taught that day, and generally just enjoying our time together til the kids came home.

We went out to start the grill when he said,"Oh baby, the funniest thing happened to me today."

He went on to relate a story of how he had run into the aunt of his son's ex-girlfriend, blah, blah, blah...how they had discussed the kids, how his son is getting married next week, yada, yada, yada. 

Now let me just say, I am not really a jealous person unless it's something blatantly flirtatious, so a harmless interaction like this really doesn't bother me.

HOWEVER, if you read my blog, you know that K is EXTREMELY psychotic jealous of any interactions I have with members of the opposite sex. AND, we just had an issue with this very thing last week over which I got paddled pretty severely....lesson learned (for me atleast).

As he finished his story, I just stared at him (yep, I'm learning a few things from my HOH)

"What?" he said, "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Really?", I said," You just stood there and had idle chit chat with some RANDOM woman?" (this is one of his favorite sayings about men I encounter).

"Well, she kinda took me by surprise."

I stared

"We were talking about the kids"

Still staring

"I didn't want to be rude."

Really???  How many times have you told me I don't have to be nice to every guy who talks to me...that's it's okay to be rude and walk away??

"Honey, she was really ugly."

So, as long as I'm only talking to ugly men, that's ok?

"No, ofcourse not. But I'm the top and I have a different set of rules."

Are you kidding me?  You're not going to hold yourself to the same set of standards?  Let me just stop here and say, at the beginning, I was really only giving him a hard time and a dose of his own medicine...but now, I was getting a bit irked.

So I came back with this gem....."So, if I just had some random conversation with an ugly man I don't really know for no real reason, you'd be perfectly fine with it?"

He stared at me...I could see the wheels turning.....wait, wait......"No, I wouldn't.  You're right.  I'm sorry"

Excuse me?  I didn't quite hear that....what?

"You're right, I'm sorry.  It just happened before I knew it and I didn't want to be rude."

Well Hallelujah and pass the marshmallows...didn't I just use that same reason last week????  I'll be darn....

"Ok, you're right, I'll try to be more reasonable in the future.  I said I was sorry, and you were right, now lets move on."

Did I let it go?  Secure in the satisfaction of my right-ness??  Did I take the high road? 

Ofcourse not....I was smug....I was self-satisfied.....I was over the top.

I basked in my glory for about ten minutes....then I got 5 hard swats and a warning to knock it off or we would be having a "meeting" later.

So, I stopped...but I'm still smiling today...just a little.

Hate Mail

Well...it happened.....

I don't know whether to laugh, be sad, ignore, or react.....

It was only a matter of time I guess....maybe I should be flattered....

Nah, I don't think so....

I got my first couple of hateful, hurtful, ignorant comments.

I was just saying to a fellow blogger the other day that I hadn't received any really hateful, rude or mean comments...probably because my entries aren't all that controversial.

Guess I was wrong.

My first inclination was to delete and ignore....which I did....but since I'm not really the "sweep in under the rug and pretend it didn't happen kind of girl", it's still on my mind.  I am also a "don't reward bad actions with a reaction" sort of girl too. 

But, I feel I must respond....just this once....so listen up!

To LOL, M Lynn, Anonymous, and anyone else who feels the need to leave hateful and ignorant comments about my posts:

You came to my site on your own accord (that's means willingly).  You sat and read my entry from start to finish.  You don't have to agree with my lifestyle any more than I have to agree with yours.  Your opinion is of no importance to me if you cannot phrase it in a respectful way.  I do not care about your perception of the bible or god's love.  You obviously have plenty of time on your hands, so here are some suggestions of things you can do other than take up MY time reading your ignorant, intolerant opinions:

1.  Volunteer at a soup kitchen
2.  Read to the elderly
3.  Keep America beautiful and clean up some litter.
4.  Visit your local animal shelter
5.  Donate blood
6. Garden
7.  Volunteer at a local school
8.  Read a good BOOK (not a blog)
9.  Meditate
10.  Pray for yourself and your intolerant attitude...honestly, WWJD?

You can do anything you want, but and let me put this so I will be perfectly clear.....

STAY THE HELL OFF MY BLOG!!!!

Your comments will not be read or published...they will be deleted upon receipt and no more thought will be given to them.  If you don't agree with my lifestyle and would truly like to discuss in an adult, open-minded manner, by all means, leave a message...if not, get a life and move on.

This is the first, last and only time I will take time out of MY day to respond to insensitive, close-minded people.  Go google somewhere else.  You're wasting my time.

To all my other wonderful blogging friends, I will be back to my normal, sweet self in tomorrow's blog and I'm sorry you had to waste your time with this....Have a wonderful day!

A New Action Plan

I have an attitude problem.

I'm not sure where it came from, but I wish it would go back there.  I'm tired of the way I'm acting.  I stopped taking my Paxil about 3 months ago, which coincidentally, is about the time my attitude showed up.  Hmmm...correlation?  Probably

I don't want to be on meds...I really, really don't.  But I'm beginning to think maybe I need to be.  I really thought once I got through my major life-stressors, that I could leave them behind.  I'm beginning to re-think that position.

Because THAT position is causing me to be in another not so fun position, getting some not so wanted attention.

I am bitchy....and rude.....and fly off the handle...and raise my voice....and fight to the death over the STUPIDEST things.  I'm tired of it....and K is tired of it.....and it's taking a toll on our relationship.

So, I've come up with a plan of action:

1.  Call the doctor!  I have an appointment next week with a new doctor (ugh) to review my chemical needs.

2.  Ask for K's help.....gulp....can't believe I did it, but something has got to give.  It's my deal...I know it and I need to fix it, but I need him too.  So this is what we came up with....

A.  There will be a low to zero tolerance for bitchiness, rudeness, raised voice, or general disrespect.  I have been raising my voice to K and not even realizing it...that's how out of hand it's gotten.

B.  There will be swift and sure consequences at the moment of the occurence...a couple hard swats usually get my attention very quickly and let me know he means business.  In the past, he would try to "talk me down" or reason with me.  Right now, I am not a reasonable person.

C.  If any correction of the above sort is needed during the day, we will have a meeting that night before bed where it will be addressed again.  He's already told me he will not hesitate to use the paddle...every night if need be.  Have I ever told you how much I hate that frickin' paddle?

D.  I have a tendency to get rude and disrespectful during our phone calls.  K's office is almost 2 hours away from our home, so he does A LOT of driving and we have a lot of phone calls to each other.  Somehow, I almost always use this time to push the boundaries of my tone and attitude.  No more....he will call me on it with one warning only...then I will be waiting....probably without any pants for him to get home...and it will be dealt with not only then, but during our "meeting" before bed.

E.  He will use more mental exercises to get me back into my submissive mindset....I'm not sure what that entails, but I'm sure it will be effective.

I asked him if he found this all ridiculous...do I ask too much? Am I too needy? 

He fully embraces all of my suggestions.  He said he's been thinking the same thing, but he doesn't want to rule with an iron fist...he doesn't want to stifle who I am....but he agrees that something has to be done, it's gotten way out of hand. 

And he told me he was proud of me for recognizing the problem, and taking the responsibility not only for my actions but in trying to find a solution to fix it.  He also said that he wasn't "playing".  If I just wanted a spanking every night, to just say so...b/c if I asked for and agreed for this, it was going to happen....every day....and every night....until it was better.  He said he would work on the way he talked to me also, that respect goes both ways.  I'm ashamed to say he's been much better about this than I have lately.  But it's going to change...it has to.

I want us to be ok.  I want to be the best person I can for him and for us.  I want this to work.....and I really think it will.

The Punishment

I'm back!  It's been a ridiculously busy week around here.  I substitute taught in a 5th grade class all week (since MY preschool doesn't start until after Labor Day) and my two youngest had 3 tennis matches in the evenings.  By the time I got home, made dinner, socialized with the boys and K...I was ready for BED.  Also, K really doesn't like it if I'm on the computer in the evenings when we have time together...which is cool b/c being with him is my favorite pasttime anyway!

I wish I could say that all was smooth sailing this week.  We had a maintenance issue last Sunday (thanks to all who sent their best wishes, great advice or just moral support) but we've been working on our communication and compromise.

Unfortunately, it all came crashing down Thursday night....and it was almost totally MY fault.  I had a temporary moment of insanity.....that caused a huge rift between us that is just now starting to heal.

K and I have a contract for our Dd relationship.  It clearly states the rules and consequences regarding my actions, his reactions, everything that encompasses our lifestyle.  I know it, I agreed to it, I live by it...and so does he.

One of our "golden" rules is that I am NOT to respond to texts or phone calls from other men (outside of work or family) without discussing with him first.  There is a very good reason for this rule....and we both know it.  I have been punished for this before...I get a text, and I think I have to respond immediately.  The last time this was an issue was a year ago...and seriously, I really haven't been punished for anything too severely since that time.

I don't know if it was the length of time since my last REAL punishment, I don't know if I thought I had more leeway than I thought, maybe the stars were misaligned...or maybe an alien invaded my body.   Regardless, I was sitting at yet another tennis match.  I was watching two matches simutaneously (both my boys play Varsity...one at #2 singles and the other at #3), texting K and my oldest son, talking (ok, listening, to my mother go on and on.....) and steadfastly ignoring my ex-husband and his new "cutie pie" girlfriend (pause while I puke in my mouth a little).

That's when it happened....ding.....TEXT!!

Unfamiliar number.....hmmm...should have been the first warning....

"Are you and K going to be in town on Sept. 9"

Without thinking I texted back, "Who is this?"

"It's___________(insert man's name here)"

Now, I should have stopped right there....instantly.....because not only does K not like me texting back men....he REALLY does not like this man......for no really good reason, he just doesn't.

Did I stop.....hell no.....

"Hi ____________________!  I think we will be, why?"

He goes on to say he and his wife (who is a friend too) will be in town, thought we could get together.....

I should have stopped....instantly.....did I???  Hell no

"Give us a call and we'll see if we can get together" is what I responded....yep....I sure did.

When I got home, I was talking to K about my day, the match, etc.   Then I casually (yep, my brain STILL hadn't kicked in) mentioned to K that _____________ had texted about the 9th.

"He did what?"

"He wanted to know if we would be in town"........dead silence......uh oh....scramble...stutter....back pedal....counter accuse.....get mad.......

Instead of owning up to what I had done.....fully knowing I had done it...and I was DEAD wrong....I fought....tooth and nail......I threw every excuse in the book at him....I yelled....and stomped....and threw my phone....and all sorts of childish, immature things....it was horrible....I was horrible....I was nailed...dead to rights......but I hadn't done it on purpose....it just slipped....shouldn't that count for something????

Apparently not....we both went to bed seething......too much had happened to even think about fixing it that night.....we talked when we both woke up about 5 am...for two hours.....I finally had to admit that I was wrong....dead wrong.  And the fit I threw was absolutely over the top and uncalled for.  I should have just admitted what I had done (why do I find that SO hard to do????) and accepted my consequences.  He even told me he probably would have let me off with a lecture to not do it again.  Instead, I was going to be paddled that night.

I hate that paddle....I mean, seriously HATE it.  I don't know how some of you can say how much you like it, etc.....but I digress.  It is only used for the most serious consequences and I have only felt it once over my jeans.  That was NOT going to be the case for this.....and I had to wait all day b/c we both had to work.

I wish I could say I went willingly...contritely.....submissively....but I didn't.  I argued right up to the very end, but in the end, I got paddled....hard....and long....and I deserved it.  When I finally admitted it to myself, I could submit to the punishment....but the guilt and shame in my own head was so much worse.

It's over now...we've moved on....and we've talked alot.  K says he's gotten lax with me...and I've gotten careless....but no more....and after my little display, I can say that's what I need...atleast for a while.

What the Hell is Wrong with Me?

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me? 

Last night was maintenance night at our house....just like every Sunday.  We went to "our spot"...we had our "talk"..and I got my spanking.   I haven't had one in almost 2 weeks...I've been really good and last week K said he just didn't feel like he wanted to give me one b/c we had  had such a good week and he just wanted to hold me and love me.

At the time, I was doing cart-wheels...yay for me!!  We still had our talk, etc, just no spanking...which was fine with me b/c I didn't want one.

We really didn't have any issues this week either.  It was busy and we had a couple disagreements, but we talked them through and they were resolved pretty quickly.

Yesterday, K and I played in a golf tourney (which we WON btw...).  About half way through I said something sassy to him...but totally kidding.  He told me I might want to watch it.."cuz you know what tonight is.... and there will NOT be a pass this week"  Again, mostly kidding... I think.

Fast forward to our "meeting".  He brought up some things he was concerned about.  Some of them are things that are beyond my control (see my post about hugging).  I keep trying to explain that I can't control what other people do...I can only control my own actions/reactions.  I don't know if this was still bugging me, I don't think it was...all I know is that spanking HURT.  And it really wasn't that rough...I've had far worse...but instead of reconnecting us and cleaning the slate...all I felt was sad....and defeated.....why is that?

What should I have done?  I told K how I was feeling and ofcourse his first reaction was that HE had done something wrong....he wanted to fix it....but I don't know how to fix it, because I don't know where the emotion is coming from.  I'm really confused....should we try again?  should we take a break?  how can I hit the "reset" button?  Have any of you had this issue?  How did you move past it?  Could it just be a hormone thing? (Aunt Flo is visiting)....I'm looking for answers.....where do we go from here?  I don't like this feeling ONE BIT......so again, I ask....what the hell is wrong with me?

I'm Still Learning and I'm So Sorry

To all my blogging friends....

I am not the sharpest tool is the shed when it comes to this blogging thing.  I noticed that I wasn't getting as many comments as I usually did, but just assumed everyone was busy or not interested in what I was saying.

I also noticed that I hadn't heard from a few of you who normally stop by.  Again, just assumed u were busy or not interested.

Thanks to my friend, PK, I now realize alot of your comments were going to my spam folder.  DUH!!!!  I feel like a real loser!!!  I just checked it and there are atleast 20 comments in there......color me stupid.

So, I will be going back and reading all of them today and tomorrow.  I am so sorry if you thought I was ignoring you or worse, was angry at your comments!  Don't know if I will be able to respond to all of them, but please know, I WILL read them and post!

Thanks PK for giving me the "heads up".  I'm learning as I go here about blogging (and TTWD).  If you see a problem in the future, please don't hesitate to tell me! 

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!!

Love,
K's Sweetie

The Calm

I don't have a dog-gone thing to post! I'm not as creative as some of you to come up with a clever topic and expound upon it....and honestly, I don't have the energy.

All is quiet on the western, eastern, and northern fronts.  My kids are back in school.  My older ones are back to college and settled.

K is working really hard......so am I.  We are really enjoying making our new house into our home.  I just love it here!

Life is good.....and calm.....for the moment.

I know things can change on a dime, so I'm taking the time to enjoy the moments of rest and peace.

Kids......good
Parents......good
Work........good
Weather......good

Most important, relationship.......Excellent

Until the other shoe drops.....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Happy Friday All!!

Back on the Horse

Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts, words, and emails.  K and I are much better today after a very long talk last night.  Wish I could say it was calm and adult-like the whole time, but I don't like to lie :)

However, it was productive.  I know my voice was heard.  I know he understands what I'm feeling.  I know he feels just awful.

I feel awful that HE feels awful. 

I guess the one's we love the most are the one's who have the capacity to hurt or wound us the most.  I'm working on moving past that and getting to the healing. 

It's like falling in love...if you never do, you never get hurt.  But you also miss out on what could be the most wonderful thing in your life.  If I harden my shell and never let him in b/c he might wound me, I'll never find the level of intimacy I know we can have.

It's all a learning process.  I'm truly blessed that I have a man who loves me enough to listen and adapt and try to not make the same mistakes over and over.  I love him enough to try again, without the shell.

It's all about the journey.....so I'm climbing back up on the horse....without a net.....b/c he will catch me...I know he will.

Drowning

I feel like I'm drowning.....

I reached out to K for my life jacket......

And he handed me a couple boulders......

I know we have all touched on this subject before.  Where do you go and want do you do when your HOH isn't perfect?  How do you react when he lets you down...hurts you....disappoints you?

Submission is such a tricky, scary, vulnerable place to be.  I let down my walls....took off my armor.....shed my shell....and exposed the most intimate parts of me for him. 

What do I do when he takes that gift and stabs me in the heart with it?

Now he says he is sorry....now he says he didn't mean to hurt me....now he says he needs me.....but I can't go there right now....not yet.

Now he says he was just angry and wasn't thinking....I know that....but it's not ok.  It's not acceptable. 

I'm sad.....

and angry.....

and hurt.....

and disappointed.......

and falling......I need him to catch me....but I don't want to be dropped......

How can one little comment cause so much strife?
How can he not know me well enough to know how his words affect me?
How can he not know how much I needed him to support me?
Why didn't he look beyond his own petty issues and see how much I needed him?
Why did he have to go after me in the most vulnerable place possible?

Why can't I just accept it was a mistake and move on?  Why isn't "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it" good enough?

I know he's not perfect....I know HOH is hard.....I know I expect a lot from him (but I do from me too)....I know we'll get past this.....

But right now.....

I can't......I don't know how......I'm drowning......and I don't see the shore anywhere in sight.

It's Just a Hug

I would like some advice from all of you out there in blogging world. How would this be handled in your home? 

I come from a very small town.  I have lived here most of my life (except for my jaunt to "the big town" for college).  I have raised my 4 sons here....so lets just say...I know almost everyone.  I am a very affectionate/compassionate person.  If I see someone I haven't seen in a while, I will give them a big hug hello.  Let me clarify, before TTWD, I would have given them a big hug regardless of gender.

And there lies the problem.....

K did not grow up here....he does not know everyone....and he DOES not like anyone of the opposite gender making body contact with me other than a handshake.  I personally think that's really silly and petty, but he is pretty adament in his feelings and he is not going to change them any time soon.  Now, being the good submissive that I am (wink), I have truly tried to implement a "no-hugging" zone around me as much as I can in regards to men.

Here's the problem, K has finally relocated to my home town with me.  Every day, we run into someone I know.  What is the first thing that is usually done?  Yep, they shake his hand and lean in to give me a hug.  I've tried sticking my hand out as a pre-emptive, evasive move....but usually that just leads to them grabbing my hand and pulling me in closer for the hug.  Every time this happens, I can hear the steam escaping from K's ears.

I have tried numerouus times to explain that this is how a lot of people in small towns that have known one another most of their respective lives sometimes greet each other...I've seen grown men clap each other on the back in the middle of the supermarket! 

So, my question is...what to do?  I know how much it bothers him....but short of pushing someone away physically, how do I block that hug?   Please don't send me responses like he's crazy...or he should get over it...or anything along those lines.....he's not going to get over it and this is really causing a problem....for my rear.

So far, the compromise we've come up with is that I will attempt the handshake first....if the hug follows, it is to be VERY short and stiff....he even went as far as to demonstrate and have me practice....(ok, maybe he is a bit nuts, but he's MY nut, and I want him to be happy and comfortable).  He then drove the point home over his knee....and said he'd be watching.

I'm thinking of becoming a recluse....you know, the crazy old lady with the 105 cats.....but I'm awfully young for that!

Anyone have any ideas how to set an "unhug" zone once it's already been established? Is this an issue with your HOH?  I could use some practical advice here.....and FAST.....maintenance is looming....I have a feeling this is going to be revisited tonight.....I need to go practice my hug avoidance manuevers.....I'll be waiting for all your advice.

Thank You All

Thank you to all who took the time to fill out the meme (didn't even know it had a proper name..thanks PK) that I posted.  I loved reading all your answers to my questions.  It's amazing that we live all over the country (and some even further), yet we have all bonded over TTWD and the desire to make our relationship stronger and healthier. 

I am doubly happy today, because through this meme business, I made some new friends and got some new followers!!  I have been following some of these blogs for a while, so it's very exciting for me to actually "talk" to them....yay!

Lastly, I have seen some grumblings around our little world lately.  I think that's probably inevitable given all our different backgrounds, education, upbringing, and experiences.  What I really like about our world is the fact that most comments and observations are met with genuine understanding and acceptance.  I have read some comments on some blogs that would really bother me if they were directed toward me; however, about 90% of the time..the comment is acknowledged, accepted, and a productive dialogue ensues.  Rarely, do I see anyone attacked for giving their honest opinion as long as it is given in a respectful, constructive manner.  I really like that.

So in closing, I'd like to share a sentiment I saw not too long ago that I think is very appropriate for our blog world:

Unity in Diversity

Keep the faith, my friends!!!

Love,
K's Sweetie 

A Little Survey..

When I used to be on Facebook, I would get these surveys every once in a while.  I loved to fill them out and I loved to read my friends' responses.  I would like to get to know each of you a bit better if you would like to take the time to complete this.  Please skip any questions you don't feel comfortable answering...tried to keep the questions vague.

It's very easy....highlight my entry....copy it....paste it on your response...and change the answers to what you would like them to be.....or you can re-type the whole thing if you are so inclined...but that seems silly.

So here goes my survey with a little TTWD twist (with my answers):

What is your screen name?          K's Sweetie

How long have you been practicing TTWD?           18 months (and counting)

What is your astrological sign?               Libra

In what part of the country do you live?           Midwest

Do you have children?                    Yes, 5...all boys, 4 are biological and one is K's

Do you have grandchildren?            Two...Greenleigh and Grayson

What is your favorite color?             Blue

What is your favorite day of the week?              Saturday

Morning or Evening?                      Evening

Favorite TV Show?                    Mike and Molly

Favorite pro sport?                    Football

Favorite Ice Cream?                  Cold Stone's Cake Batter

Person from Blogland you'd like to meet?        Sara

Person from Blogland who makes you laugh?     Stormy and Rogue

Person from Blogland you identify with the most?    His First Mate, Kay from Trying to Learn, Laura from Not the Petries

First person who welcomed you to blogging?            Dancing Girl

Title of your first blog entry?                                      First Time

What are you wearing on your feet right now?            Nothing

What are you listening to right now?                           Ticking clock

Chocolate or Vanilla?                                                Chocolate

Coffe or Tea?                                                            Tea

Favorite non-alcoholic drink?                                     Diet Coke

Favorite alcoholic drink?                                          Michelob Ultra

Favorite vacation spot?                                            Vegas!! or the beach...any beach

Favorite Holiday?                                                  Halloween

Favorite season?                                                    Spring followed closely by fall

Place you want to visit?                                        Australia

If you had to start all over again, would you
still choose TTWD?                                               No doubt about it

Best piece of advice you can pass on about
TTWD?                                                                  It's not about the "me" or the "he"...it's about the "us"


I hope some of you take the time to fill this out.  I know everyone is really busy and I won't be upset if you don't...ok, maybe just a little!  :)

Buzzed

  Who would have thought I could be saved by a horsefly?

Last night was maintenance night in our house.  K and I went to the spankatorium (his office).  We had a really good talk, reviewed our "contract", made some adjustments and revisions and generally re-connected.  I had been spanked 3 times in the previous 18 hours (one for discipline, one for reminder, one for pure fun), so I really wasn't expecting a really hard one for maintenance.

I had been across K's knee for a good warm-up and he was just getting to "the main event" when the craziest thing happened.  I began to hear this buzzing....at first I thought maybe all the blood was rushing to my head.  But no, it started to get louder....I checked myself to make sure I wasn't having a stroke....nope, all good....just some pain and heat in my rear.

The buzzing got louder.....K kept spanking.....it got louder.....still spanking.

Now, by this time, I am not concentrating on the spanking or the things K is trying to discuss.  All I can hear is this incessant buzzing.  What the heck is it?  Too big for a fly or a bee .......

That's when the mother of all horseflies decided to make it's appearance.....this thing was the size of a small hover-craft. 

This is what I heard..."We are doing this so you remember to be...MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"  He yelled that because the horsefly had obviously take offense to the "offensive" he was taking out on my bare bottom.  That thing would dive bomb him every time he would raise his hand to deliver a spank.  As long as he sat still, it would hover by the ceiling, but let him even remotely raise his hand and it would buzz his head unmercifully.

I know I should have been quiet....I know I should have remained still....I know that's what I should have done, but I coudn't.  I started giggling...at first silently....but the longer it went on...the more tickled I got....soon I had tears running down my face (not spanking tears, either) and I was shaking with laughter.

I kept picturing this horsefly with a suit of armor fighting the mean ogre to save the poor maiden's bottom.  I would like to say that his quest was fulfilled, but it turns out that K is deadly accurate with his belt.  He nailed that thing from 5 ft away....poor thing never even saw it coming....I know how it feels sometimes. 

Needless to say, our maintenance session was pretty much over,  I couldn't get rid of the giggles and K couldn't stop bragging about his "assassination" of my would-be savior.  "Baby, I hit that thing from HERE...first shot....Baby, did you SEE that?!"

We gave it a nice burial at sea.....RIP my little buzzing friend....your mission was accomplished.

Taking Out the Trash

As I get older, you would think that I would realize that if you don't deal with a problem head-on, it will manifest itself somewhere else.  In an ordinary relationship, that might not be such a big thing.  In a Dd relationship, it can cause some major issues for your rear.

I am an only child.  I have a very complicated relationship with my mother.  Waaayyyy too complicated to get into here.  Let's just surfice it to say my mother is the queen of guilt.  I am really working on recognizing when I am being manipulated and not reacting to it. 

I spent last week with my mom and kids in Minnesota.  As you know, if you read my blog, K and I had some issues.  I think a lot of them were fueled by being confined in close quarters with my mother.  I don't feel like I can express myself with her.....so I "express" myself to K.  Much of the time, he doesn't appreciate my "expressions".

Anyway....back to today.  We were having a perfectly lovely day.  K was working in his office, I was finishing the breakfast dishes and working on some school work.  My cell phone shattered all that.....yes, it was MY MOTHER.  She had manufactured an "emergency" that I needed to deal with.  Now, normally, I would have rushed right in to take care of it, but this time, I took a step back, analyzed the situation, and decided "it's not my problem".  (That's my new mantra) She caused the issue, she needed to solve it without involving me.  Pleased with my decision, I went over to bounce it off of K before calling her back.  He agreed with my assessment and I returned her call.  She didn't like my decision, but the matter was settled.  I was pretty proud of myself; however, I guess I didn't realized how much it had taken out of me.

Right after my call, K made a joke about the trash bags I had bought for his office (yes, you heard me right, trash bags...I know, stupid).  They were way too small.  I took it as a personal attack...and MAN, did I fight back.....told him he didn't make himself clear on what he wanted, told him I didn't know the size of the trashcan, told him if he didn't like them, he could go get them himself (can you say transfer of anger?)...but I wasn't done yet...I stormed out of the office over to the house (while he was telling me to stop and come back....not once or twice, but about 5 times).....grabbed some other bags....stormed back over to the office and hurled them in his chair.  Nice tantrum, don't you think?  My preschoolers would have been sooo proud.

I started to stomp out when his steely voice stopped me.....STOP!!! DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE!  That finally penetrating my anger fog.  I stopped dead in my tracks....still seething.....really? over trash bags???

He took me by the hand and led me to the couch.  I thought we were going to talk....WRONG! As soon as he sat down, he flipped me over his lap and gave me about 12 HARD swats. 

"I was just teasing you.  Don't take it out on me because you're mad at your mom.  I don't deserve it and you are OUT OF CONTROL!  This is stopping NOW!"

I got the point....and the tears came....I hugged him and apologized.  He hugged me and said he forgave me, but he WOULD NOT be my emotional punching bag when I was angry with someone else. 

Point taken.....I'm sitting here with a burning bottom.  Next time, I will try to find another way to release my emotions.....maybe with a stress relief spanking rather than 12 hard swats from K.  It just wasn't worth it.

And next time....she's going to voicemail

Lesson Learned

So, when I finished my blog yesterday, I was awaiting a long, hard maintenance session after a very rough week away from K.  I admit, I was really dreading it.  Part of me knew I had screwed up with the whole phone debacle, but there were so many variables involved that it wasn't very cut and dried. 

I wanted to re-connect with him, wipe the slate clean and start over, re-establish our roles...but I couldn't quite wrap my mind around what was coming later in the evening.  It's been a long time since I've felt that apprehensive about an upcoming spanking and honestly, I don't know where it was coming from.  I trust K completely.  I'm not scared of him b/c I know he would rather die than hurt me (I know, sounds crazy but those of you in this kind of lifestyle know what I mean).

I did my best to go about my day.  K was working in the home office all day and I would go visit him every once in a while.  He must have seen something in my eyes or my posture.  He finally sat me down on his lap and made me tell him what was up.  It all came tumbling out (with a bit of prodding)...the apprehension, the guilt, the conflicted feelings....all of it.  This wasn't me trying to weasel my way out of a spanking or worm my way into something lighter....I'm honestly not sure what it was.

Now, let me stop for a second to interject this....there have been a couple blogs about respect in the past few days and its role in TTWD.  If I didn't know K respected me before, he sealed it yesterday.

Instead of forging ahead full steam which he had every right to do....he listened to me....he considered.....and he comforted me.  He acknowledged my feelings and his role in the whole crazy mess.  He backed away from his earlier statement regarding how long and hard the spanking was going to be.  I think he knew I was really freaked out.  He even told me we wouldn't do it if I wasn't completely sure.......

This wasn't inconsistency, this wasn't waffling,  this wasn't indecisiveness, this wasn't topping from the bottom.....this was my HOH seeing my distress and adapting for the good of both of us.

The day continued and although I was still worried, I was able to go about my routine.

After dinner, K walked me over to the spankatorium  office where our maintenance sessions take place.  I was already almost in tears (what is up with THAT?)  I think the guilt and remorse I felt for the whole incident was just overwhelming me.  We sat on our couch and talked about it all again.  We talked about how he felt, how I felt, what we both did right and what we both did wrong.  We talked about how to avoid the problems in the future. 

Then it was time....I was resigned to my fate.  I screwed up...I was careless....I made him feel unimportant and disrespected.  I should have been getting  paddled as a punishment and I knew it deep down.  I just wanted to get it over with.

K told me to stand up.....I did......

He told me to look at him......I did....with tears....

He took both my hands, pulled me on his lap and hugged me. 

"We're not doing this tonight.  I know you're sorry, I know you will try not to let it happen again.  Things have been messed up for a while now...I've been busy...you've had to deal with all the moving and kids and family and ME.  I just want to hold you."

I think I cried harder at that moment than I ever have from a spanking.  He had every right to spank the daylights out of me...I knew it and I deserved it.  But he put my well-being ahead of all that.  He got his point across and he didn't feel the need to exert his dominance just for kicks.

We talked long into the night...about how our lives have changed with TTWD, how TTWD has changed for us since we started it (BTW...today is our 18 month anniversary of DD), where we're going to go from here.  I'm going to work very hard on regaining my submissive role...he's going to work really hard on getting me there.  We both need this to work.....it's a big part of who we are and how we function. 

Who would have thought one of the biggest lessons I've learned about spanking came after a non-spanking?  It's a crazy world......but I have a man who loves me, respects me, and leads me.

Oops

I can't believe myself sometimes.  I have the absolute WORST timing....at the absolute WORST time.

As you know, K and I have been apart for a week or so.  I was in Minnesota with my extended family and kids (kill me)...and K was back in New Orleans for work.  I'm going to go out on a limb here and make what could be the under-statement of the century....

We do not do well with separation!! 

When we are together, all is right (mostly) with the world.  When we are apart....not so much.

We are well aware of our limitations in this area and we have taken many steps to help remedy the problem.  Lots of talk, fights, compromise, trial and error, etc. I really thought we had finally come up with some solutions and guidelines that would help us get through these times. 

And they probably would have......if only I had used my BRAIN!!!  UGH!!!!!!

K has a "thing" about my cell phone....actually, K has a thing about HIS cell phone....he can't function without it for more than 2 minutes at a time.  I, on the other hand, love my phone...but it's not an extension of my being.  I can be away from it for almost an hour or more with no ill-lasting effects.  K does not get this AT ALL. 

We have discussed this many, many times.  He wants me to have my cell with me at all times unless I let him know that I don't.  (I refuse to take it into the bank, post office, library, etc....people talking loudly in these places DRIVE ME CRAZY!!).  He's not psychotic about it, he just wants to know he can get in touch with me if he needs to.  If I decide not to take it with me, he asks that I let him know that and get back in touch when I do have it.  Simple enough, right?  

Knowing we were going to be 1400 miles apart, K had repeatedly reminded me to keep in touch, keep my phone handy and keep him informed about what was going on.  I don't feel the need to go into the reasons why he asks that here....just take my word that his concerns are well-founded.  I agreed...over and over again....I was even reminded the morning I left with a rather firm/stern spanking....KEEP YOUR PHONE WITH YOU UNLESS YOU LET ME KNOW OTHERWISE!!...ok, got it.....

The drive to Minnesota was over 13 hrs...most of which I spent talking to K b/c he was heading 13 hours in the other direction.  As I drove into the camp ground, I told K that I was going to greet all the family, get something to eat, relax a bit and then call him. 

"Sounds great, babe.  Tell Everyone HI for me."

"Ok, text me when you get to New Orleans"

"Will do"

So, I roll into the camp where everyone happens to be outside around my cabin.  I got out to lots of hugs, kisses (from my kids), questions about the trip up, etc...etc....In the meantime, my nephew came rolling in with his new camper.....same round of hugs, kisses, questions, etc. for him.  The next thing I knew, an hour and a half had passed.  I reached in my pocket to check my phone......

not there....

are you serious?....

nope......not there.....

It was still on the car seat where I had tossed it....OH CRAP.....

not one, not two, not three.....SIX texts....and 2 calls....all from guess who.....

He was soooooo angry with me.....and who could blame him?  WE HAD JUST TALKED ABOUT THIS, not 5 minutes before I arrived. 

I apologized, I explained, I apologized....I was in BIG trouble....and it was the first day. 

K and I have the rule, if I am in trouble, and we were apart, he will inform me of what the punishment will be upon my return.  But he didn't say anything about punishment or consequences....just alot of disappointment. 

Our week went from bad to worse.  I think I blogged about it earlier.  K was holding onto his resentment...I was feeling guilty...it was awful. We snipped at each other...we were short with each other...we were dismissive of each other's feelings....he felt I was not submissive and I was taking advantage of being so far away...I felt he was nit-picking every thing I said and did....we were both right...and we were both wrong.

Fast forward to yesterday when I got home.  We were so glad to see each other.  After the homecoming "festivities" were over, we really sat down to talk about how badly the week had gone.  It all came back to the first night and my complete "brain fart".  I kept apologizing....he kept lecturing. 

Finally...FINALLY....it all came out...why he didn't announce the consequences right away.  He was afraid if he told me I would be paddled when I got home, that I would take that as a free ticket to act out the entire time I was there.

I sat there stunned.....that really hurt.....I thought we were beyond all that.  I had to explain to him that I don't follow our rules because I fear the punishment, I follow our rules b/c it makes our relationship stronger....it makes us happier;therefore, it makes ME happier and more secure.  I thought he knew that, but I guess I had never said it in those terms....it was quite an eye-opener.  We live this lifestyle b/c it's what is best for us...it's what we need....it's what is going to pull us through.

Even though K's words hurt, they led us to a place of better understanding.  I thought we were already there, but we weren't. 

Tonight is maintenance.  K has said he is going to address the "phone issue" then as well as the other problems we had last week.  I have been promised a very long and hard spanking.  I'm NOT looking forward to it...dreading it in fact....but I know that is what has to happen so we can move forward.  I was wrong...so was he.....but we're working on getting back on track.

It's good to be home.

It's Just So Hard....

Sometimes it's just so hard. 

Life

Love

Relationships

Family Dynamics

Dd

I once heard that anything worth having doesn't come easily.  I guess I believe that...but I know I'm ready for some smooth sailing for a while.

I'm feeling very out of sorts.  There are lots of reasons for this....

1.  K and I just moved into our first house together.  We have combined two households into one and it's been ALOT of work.  Unfortunately, we only spent 4 nights there and then had to leave for separate destinations.

2.  K has been traveling almost non-stop except for the week we moved.  I've been trying to go with him, but living out of a hotel and having him gone for 12 hours a day gets old REAL fast.

3.  K is under a tremendous amount of stress financially right at this particular time and it's very nerve wracking for both of us.

4.  Our maintenance schedule is all off...and the couple sessions we did have were highly unsatisfying.

5.  I am trying to spend some quality time with my kids in Minnesota, while K is working in New Orleans...AGAIN!!

We have had a rough couple of days since I've been gone.  We are both missing each other so badly that we are short and snippy whenever we talk on the phone.  I hate when we do that.  It's like we're both miserable, so we take it out on each other.  I know I don't mean to....and I hope he doesn't either...but it just happens.  Everything I say, or everything he says is taken wrong.  We don't give each other the benefit of the doubt....we jump on every little remark or comment.  Our Dd relationship is totally out of kilter, but we can't right the ship because we are so far away from each other.

I wish this is something Dd could fix.  K tries to use it....but it just doesn't seem appropriate or adequate over the telephone or squeezed into the 10-15 minutes of free time we have. I want things back to normal.  I want our normal routine.  I want him to lead...I want to follow.  I want it all back the way it used to be.  I can't get a reconnection spanking when we are 1400 miles apart and I feel myself drifting and falling. 

We will both be home in 3 days.  I'm ready for the next chapter in our relationship.  I need him...I need Dd...I need us.  I want my stability back...I want our rules....and maintenance....and consequences.  I want the closeness that comes from TTWD.  I know this post is rambling...but that's how I feel.....rambling and roaming.

Summer is fun....vacations are great.....traveling is exciting....but in my opinion.....there's no place like home.  And my home is with my HOH......I'm ready.

So Far Away from Me

Greetings from beautiful Minnesota.  While the rest of the nation is gripped in 100+ degree heat wave...I awoke to beautiful blue skies and 75 degrees....ahhhh...heavenly.

The only thing missing from this pic is my K.  I headed north to the Land of the Lakes...and he headed south to The Big Easy.  We decided we couldn't be any futher apart north to south if we tried.  It's been a long time since we've been this far apart for any length of time....and I don't like it!  When we first started dating, we would be lucky to see each other for a couple days every month.  Now, I'm counting the days until we are both back home.

It's amazing how much we take  the little things in life that make us happy for granted.  Falling to sleep next to each other, reaching out in the middle of the night for that reassuring pat, waking in the morning to kisses on the neck (or better places...wink, wink).  I know they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I think mostly that is true.  But only in the physical sense.

Even though we are 1000 miles apart physically, I feel really good about how close we are emotionally.  I know couples who can be in the same room and still be 1000 miles apart.  TTWD has brought that closeness back into our life.  We talk and communicate better than we ever have.  We are learning to work through our problems without stony silence, yelling, etc. We take each other's feelings and needs into account.  We anticipate problems ahead of time and try to brainstorm compromises.

We are far from perfect, believe me.  We had a huge blow up the night before I left.  But it was silly and short lived.  We had another misunderstanding as soon as I got here, but I'm pretty sure we can chalk that up to anxiety and 13 hours of driving.  But we are learning about each other and ourselves each and every day.  I know this wouldn't have happened without Dd in our lives.

So even though we are separated by thousands of miles of highway...he's tucked tightly into my heart and mind. I'll still be glad when we're home again.

Spanking Gone Wrong

A little while back, Sara (findingsara.wordpress.com) wrote an entry about when a spanking leaves you angry.  I had one of those moments last night.  I feel better today, but I still feel somewhat short-changed.

K and I have been so busy with traveling, moving, I was sick, kids were home, etc., that's it's been almost 2 weeks since I've had a spanking.  Sunday night is always maintenance night at our house and I was looking forward to our "meeting" and the after activities.  Looking back, it seems like the universe was conspiring against us.  K has an office attached to our new house (the spankatorium).  We were all set for our meeting...I was freshly showered, ready/willing/and able, and we were starting our "discussion"....when a bat decided to fly into the window...it scared the living daylights out of both of us!  K sent me upstairs to "wait" for him, but I discovered that one of the windows did not have a blind and anyone outside could see in and observe our activities....so.....back to the main house we came.  (A real mood killer).

Take two....let's try again in our bedroom.  Our conversation started off well enough.  We talked about some issues we had experienced during the two week hiatus from spanking, what we each had observed in ourself and each other, what needed to change, what went wrong, what went right, etc.  Then our conversation turned to my upcoming vacation with the kids in Minnesota (he's got to go back to New Orleans).  I have been there with the kids before and there were a couple points that I wanted to clear up before I went.  Things that I know might be a "hot button issues" with us.  Instead of working for a solution we could both live with, I felt K was going out of his way to be antagonistic.  IMO, he kept throwing up road blocks to the discussion by bringing up others issues that really didn't have anything to do with what we were talking about.  All I wanted was for him to make a decision on how he wanted us to handle things.  I wasn't arguing with his decision...I just wanted him to make it.  But instead, he kept going round and round in circles.   So, what did I do?....got frustrated, raised my voice, began to cop an attitude.

He abruptly ended the discussion and started the maintenance spanking.  All through it, he kept saying how he was the HOH (I know that), how the final decision was his (I know that too!  Just make the damn thing already), how I had been disrespectful by raising my voice (I agree...but I was very frustrated), and how I was just trying to argue with him (THAT I would NOT agree with...in fact, I continued to defend my actions even as the hairbrush continued to fall). Usually, I will agree with what he is saying and reinforcing.  But I would not cop to be the cause of this problem!   Finally, he quit...I was in tears...not so much from the spanking, but from the fact that K has always said that maintenance is a time for us to speak freely and work out issues we might be having or forsee having.  I was so hurt and frustrated that he had broken our agreement.

To my credit, I didn't withdraw...I didn't sulk....I didn't turn a cold shoulder.  I repeated how I felt...and I told him how I felt he had not held up his end of our agreement.  I reminded him why we had our discussions to begin with and how I felt he had let me down by not listening to me and working with me to find a solution. 

I know he heard me.  I know he felt bad.  We talked this morning, and I'm pretty sure he understands what I'm trying to say.  Ofcourse, I forgive him...but yet, I feel so cheated.  I was so looking forward to last night and all it entailed......and it fell REALLY short of those expectations.  I'm thinking I should ask for a re-do for tonight.  I'm hoping my words and feelings got through to him.....I trust him to lead me but I know occasionally he will stumble.  I want to shrug it off and chalk it up to stress/bad karma/sun spots/the universe/lack of sleep/new environment/hormones or whatever.

I want to let it go and start over.  I want to be an understanding and supportive partner...I don't want to hold a grudge.....but darn it, I want my spanking back!!  I'll keep you posted about Take 3....

On Maintenance

There seems to be quite a bit of debate lately regarding the use and effectiveness of maintenance spanking.  Let me just say off the top, I am a BIG supporter of maintenance spankings in our household.  I understand that some subs shudder at the thought of a spanking "just because" or "for no express reason".  However, for me, these are the reasons we use them.

1.)  I am a tried and true, dyed-in-the-wool, 100% spanko.  I have been interested in spanking for as long as I can remember.  I don't know why...it's just the way I'm wired.  Quite frankly, spanking (in the right context), turns me on.  However, there is NOTHING sexy or sexual about a true punishment spanking.  In my opinion, if you or your HOH is getting turned on by punishment, then you must not be doing what we are.  K is not "playing" when he wields that paddle for punishment.  I feel bad/sad/guilty/mad/disappointed/contrite, etc. when he punishes me....the last thing I feel is sexy or turned on.
If I only had this kind of spanking, I would be robbing both K and I of the sexual side of spanking.  The aspect that is the most fun.

2.)  Maintenance brings K and I together on so many different planes...emotionally, physically, mentally...we don't use maintenance just so he can smack my butt.  There is a whole ritual to it....starting with our discussion of the past week, clearing up grievances (on both sides), clarifying agreements, reconnecting as a man and a woman.  We have written the guidelines for our maintenance "meetings".....how they will be conducted, what I can expect, what I need from him, etc.  I know not all couples need such structure, but it works for us.  It opens the lines of communication and keeps them open.  I know I am being heard and K knows he is giving me what I need.  The actual spanking doesn't take place until both sides are satisfied with the discussion.

3)  Without maintenance, I know I would spiral out of control.  I don't have to worry about "when" the next spanking will come.  I don't have to worry that I won't be held responsible for my behavior.  We don't have hard feelings over lack of consistency.  There are no "ifs".  I don't have to act out to get his attention and the spanking I want and need.  I know it's coming every Sunday night.

4) I love the feelings a good, hard spanking leaves me with.  I feel loved and protected.  I know this man will take care of me...all of me.  Maintenance reinforces the roles we have chosen for our relationship. Sure, there are lots of other ways I am submissive to K, but submitting to his spanking reinforces my submission in the most concrete way (for me).  It is the physical act of giving my body to him...trusting him....knowing that  he can and will give me what I need.

5)  Punishment spankings can be scary.  They hurt....there are all sorts of other emotions involved.  Sexual spankings are erotic.  They are meant as a prelude to other fun activities.  I need something in between them.
Our maintenance meetings are meant to put me in the submissive frame of mind...sometimes K sends me to "think" about what is to come, or about some issue we have been having.  We have built in aspects to maintenance that I won't go into here, but that are designed to bring me back to my submissive side...depending on where I am emotionally at that time.  

For those who need a "reason" for a maintenance spanking, these are the goals we hope the discussion/spanking/aftermath will accomplish (yes, we have these written down also)...and we read them occasionally before the actual spanking:

Reasons for Maintenance in Our House...

1.  As a reminder to follow established rules and to be a "good girl".
2.  To firmly re-establish our roles as "HOH" and submissive.
3.  To avoid letting small issues interfere with our relationship.
4.  As a reminder that punishment spankings will hurt MUCH worse and should be avoided at all costs.
5.  To curtail any borderline behavior (nip it in the bud, so to speak).

I'm not saying this way would work for everyone, but it works for us. I can't imagine having it any other way.  However, each couple has to figure out how to navigate these choppy  waters for themselves.  For me, I'm happy with our arrangement.  It's working so far!

What Happens at Your House?

Good Gravy I need a spanking!!!  Pronto!

I have had the world's worst ear infection for 4 days...it started 3 weeks ago on our first trip to New Orleans...note to self...stay out of Gulf!  I home-treated it (yes, I do have my "Mom" doctor's degree) and thought it was better.

WRONG!!

It came back Friday with a vengeance!  By Sunday morning when I went to Prompt Med, the doctor couldn't even fit the ottoscope (sp?) in my ear.  $250 later (office visit + meds), I am on the mend....but still very uncomfortable.....add in Aunt Flo...and YIPPEE, boy am I having fun   : (

K has been so sweet and caring.  It freaks him out when I'm sick b/c I hardly ever am.  He treats me like I might break...which is nice for a little bit....but I'm getting restless.

I want our routine back...I want to be able to lay on his chest without wincing...I want to be able to hear without saying "what??" two or three times....but mainly, I WANT MY SPANKING....can't even believe I just typed those words!

Seriously, I miss the closeness and the connection that our maintenance sessions bring us.  Which brings me back to my question, what happens to your maintenance and spanking schedule if you are sick?  I'm really interested to hear how you handle this....anyone?

A Little Story.....

I need some stress relief....my favorite kind of stress relief.   I'm tired of being in the hotel room....entertaining myself.  Now I am a barrel of fun, but even I'm getting bored of myself.  My jokes are really lame and I feel like I already know the punch lines!!

So, indulge me please, while I spin a little fantasy.....any similarities to real-life persons or events is purely intentional...hehehe

I get a phone call.....

"I'm on my way home."

"Ok"

"Have you been a good girl today?"

"What else could I be....this room is 20x20....what could I possibly do to get in trouble?"

"Well for starters your tone and your sassy mouth..."

"Well you'd be sassy too if you were bored out of your damn mind all day!!"

"Bored hmmm?  I think I can find a way to entertain you."

"No, really, it's ok....I'm just snippy"

"yes, you are.  And I know just how to cure that.  I want you waiting for me...sitting on the edge of the bed.  T-shirt and panties...that's it.  And while you're waiting, think about how lucky you are to even be here in fabulous New Orleans....think about how you haven't had to cook or clean for a week....you could be alone at home."

Now I start to feel guilty.   He's right...I am a spoiled brat.  I'm behaving like a child...and what happpens to naughty, spoiled children?  Exactly what's about to happen to me....gulp.

I get myself ready and sit on the bed.  The tv is off, the computer is off...all I hear is the hum of the airconditioner and the beating of my heart.  The butterflies have started...my bottom is tingling.  How come you never think about what your butt feels like until you know it's about to get some very prolonged attention?

Time drags....I want him to get here, but at the same time, I don't....b/c I know what is going to happen.

Finally, I hear the elevator ding....I hear his workboots outside the door....I hear his key slide into the lock.  He enters the room and sees me sitting there waiting for him just as I'm instructed.  What is he thinking?  Is he pleased? Annoyed? Resigned? Turned on?

He locks eyes with me and never looks away.  I have seen that look before...that steely gaze that makes most people shudder or shrink.  I do neither.  I return his gaze until I finally blink and look at my hands in my lap. 

"Still bored?"

"No sir"

"I'll show you what bored is.....you owe me some corner time.....go now"

He knows how much I hate corner time, but atleast I can keep my clothes.  I turn and face the wall...listening for his movements behind me.  He takes a quick shower, changes into some comfy clothes, breaks open a beer. 

"Bored yet? Enjoying standing there knowing that you are about to be paddled until you can't sit down?"

"No sir"

Come here.....he is sitting on the edge of the bed....sitting down, he is still almost the same height as me. 

"Look at me"   and I do.  I see the love in his eyes, but I also see something else...resolve...determination...

He begins his lecture....how hard he works to provide for us, how I've acted for the last couple weeks, how I make it so much harder than it needs to be, how I'm spoiled and unappreciative and down right bratty.  How he's tried everything to make things right between us, but I don't want to compromise.  How he has had enough...nothing else has worked, so maybe this will.

I listen...ashamed, disappointed in myself, knowing he is exactly right.  And knowing what is about to come.

"You are going to get a long spanking....I hope this does something to improve your attitude.  You are not going to forget this for quite a while.  If your attitude doesn't improve, we'll do it again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next....do you understand me?"

Weakly i nod my head

"What?!"

"Yes, sir"

"Then lets get this over with".  Taking me by the arm, he pulls me face down across his lap.  He lets me lay there a minute to contemplate this position I've found myself in.  Then with no other words, he lands the first smack.  It's hard and it stings.....then the next, and the next.  Sometimes he pauses between smacks, sometimes there are many at once.  He says nothing....which is strange.  Finally, he stops....

".I think that should warm you up.....now, lets get down to your attitude"......he reaches up and pulls my panties down to my knees.  I let out a soft whimper.....he begins to spank again....much harder and it stings so much worse on a bare bottom.  This time, he continues to lecture.  Have I forgotten who is in charge? Do I want to be in charge? Do I know how hard he works? What kind of stress he is under? Do I know how hard I make it on him with my constant pouting and griping? 

None of these questions really need an answer....they are driving home my behavior.  And his hand is driving home the consequences.  My bottom is on fire...when he stops. 

"Stand up"

He bends me over the bed....and I hear him start to unbuckle his belt.  He takes his time folding it just the way he likes it. 

"Still bored?"

Ten times he lands the belt on my sit spots.  I can't help but reach back...I know its a no-no, but I can't help it.  He waits until I move my hand and continues with his "lesson".

When he stops, I think, thank god it's over.  But I'm wrong.....

"How many times have we had this exact conversation before? "  "How many times do I have to put up with your sour attitude and stony silence?" 

I don't have an answer...I just tell him I'm sorry. 

"Ofcourse, you're sorry now...you're getting your bottom spanked...and as soon as it's done, it will be right back to where we were....no, I don't think so this time....you need a REAL reminder to watch yourself"

My stomach drops....we don't have a whole lot of implements....and he's already used his belt....most of the rest are just for fun, and some how I don't think that's the reminder he means.  Which means only one thing....the thing I dread most in the world.....the paddle....with the holes"

I do alot of apologizing at this point...almost to the point of begging, but I should have saved my breath.  When my man has made up his mind, only an act of god will change it. 

"I want you to go back to the corner and think about what I've said today.  I want to know if you think you have been fair to me and to us.  Have you been the support I need and deserve?"

So back to the corner I went....this time with a red bottom and no panties.  And as I stood there, I thought about all of it...my snarky attitude, my spoiled brat comments, my cold silence.  I thought of all he had done for me...including bringing me with him to lay at the pool, shop, go out to eat, etc.  I was appalled at my actions.

When he called me back to the bed.  I saw that indeed he had the paddle in his hand (yes, it travels with us). 
"Well? What did you decide"

I told him how I understood and how sorry I was and how I would work on my behavior.

"I know you will....and I'm going to give you a good reason to remember.  You're getting 5 with this paddle on your bare bottom."

I almost died....5 might not seem like alot, but believe me, they are.

He bent me over the corner of the bed...legs spread, chest flat, bottom up in the air. 

I got five hard swats....I was crying after 2....when they were done, he held me in that position while he delivered his final lecture.  I promised to be a good girl and change my attitude...i promised to show my appreciation and support.

Finally he let me up and pulled me onto his lap.  He rubbed my back, and kissed my hair...told me he loved me...told me he knew I could do better. 

When I finally settled down, he kissed my cheeks and lips....he helped me get dressed and asked, "so what would you like to do now?"

Hmmm....I don't know....I'm really bored    :)

Here's To You

I am constantly amazed at the compassion and support I get through these blogs we all create.  Each one is so special and unique in it's own way...yet we all are striving for the same thing.....love, peace, and strength through TTWD...or Dd....or whatever you call it at your house.

I was a lurker for so long on so many different sites. What struck me was the comraderie that seemed to exist among all of you.  It was like you were all friends from way back, sharing history and stories, etc. 

I finally got the nerve to comment on Sara's blog....gulp.....but then, guess what?  She replied!!!  Holy cow....she really, really replied!!  I told her once I felt like I was talking to a rock star....she shrugged it off in her unassuming way, but she encouraged me and it's because of her that I decided to give my own blog a shot.

When I started my blog, I really just wanted to see if I could do it.  I had never tried anything like this before, but I love a challenge!  It was so exciting, yet nerve wracking at the same time.  Would anyone read it? Would anyone care what I had to say? Would I be able to keep it up?  Could I be as wise as Sara, as funny as Stormy, as interesting as Rogue.....what would you all think?

I remember typing my first post and nervously hitting the publish button.  I waited....and waited....and waited...guess I expected the trumpets to herald my arrival and for all of you to yell, "Finally!!" and come rushing in.  Strangely enough, that didn't happen  :)  But I was so proud of myself...so I kept posting...and lo and behold....one day I GOT A COMMENT!!! Honestly, you would have thought Ed McMahon himself was at my door!  I still get excited each time I log on and there's a notification!!  YAY!!

I didn't get many comments after that, and I got really busy...so I let it go...but then one day dancing princess left me the sweetest comment ever....she wanted to know more, and to not give up....so I didn't.

As the time has worn on, I have discovered something.  I have a whole new network of  "friends".  I wouldn't know you if we met on the street, but you have let me in your life and you've gotten a peek into mine.I have enjoyed learning each of your stories and I've learned a bit about each of you. I know Sara is so very wise, and understanding and compassionate.  I know that Stormy and Rogue crack me up with their stories, but they are always there with a comforting word or smile.  I know Kay and I are struggling to figure all this out....we just "get" each other.  I know Mick loves his wife and just wants to have a happy, loving marriage.  I know Neo Dom explains the male perspective very well and gives great advice.  I've met Bonnie, Heather, Ashley, PK, Cassie (wink), Annie, Laurie, JW, Kitty........and so many more.  I love reading all your entries.  Some make me smile, some make me cry, some make me laugh so hard I spit on my keyboard, some make me think.....but all of them give me comfort that I am not alone.  You understand.  You don't judge....you don't sugar-coat it either when necessary.......you offer support and advice and guidance.  So if I don't ever say it again...

THANK YOU BLOG FRIENDS.... You mean alot to me!!

A Long, Long Ride...

So, the re-education and re-connection continues.  I have been promised a spanking tonight and it's not going to be the fun kind.  As you know, K and I have been spending alot of time apart due to his work, our moving, etc...etc......

I am finally moved out of my place, but we can't move into OUR house until July 15.  K has had to return to New Orleans for this week, so I've come with him (Hello from The Big Easy).  Our car ride yesterday was anything but pleasant.  We have started to reconnect, but it's still a process.  I have been having some "child stress" and "ex-husband stress" on top of everything else.  I admit it...my walls are up....WAY up...I'm circling the wagons and hunkering down.  I want to let K in...I want him to help...I want to lean on him.  But I'm struggling.

He's so busy, and so tired, and he has all his stress too.  I don't want to add mine to his.  I'm so used to dealing with adversity on my own that its hard for me to realize that someone else would want to share it with me. 

So....back to our car trip.  I'm angry (not at him, but at some of the c-r-a-p that life is throwing my way), I'm disappointed (I want my normal life and routine back), and I'm very distant.  I just want to be left alone to wallow in my dark thoughts....but I can't.  He keeps asking me what he can do (nothing), what can he say (nothing)...he wants to fix it (I know it's a man thing)....right now, he can't. 

I tried to put on a smile...I really, really did...but I'm not a very good actress. I got sassy....and snarky....and downright bitchy (hey, 13 hours in a car will do that).  He took it like a trooper...for about 50 miles.  Then he got quiet....really, really quiet......cue the death march......

If it wouldn't have been a desolate stretch of highway in the dead of night (ok...11:30...but that's late to me), I think he would have pulled the car over right there.  Instead, he just kept driving...silently....

At first, I was angry....then sad....then I pitied myself......I waged all kinds of arguments and justifications in my brain......I sighed.....and huffed.....and finally, I realized how I was acting.  Sure, I can justify all my actions...sure I'm under a lot of stress....and emotional turmoil.  But that doesn't give me the right to dump all over K when he's just trying to help and be supportive.  I don't want him to take out his work frustrations on me and I shouldn't take my family stress out on him.  I expect him to be my rock....not my trash can.  There's a thin line between venting and trashing...and I have a real problem with finding those boundaries.

I am so used to K pulling me back, reigning me in, coming to get me (after I've lost control)....that it's hard for me to take that first step.  But finally, I did reach over and hold his hand.  He squeezed mine, but still never took his eyes off the road or spoke.  I apologized...I told him all my fears and worries....I told him I thought I still had some resentment over our time apart even though I know it couldn't be helped.  He listened and acknowledged my right to feel how I did...however, he told me (and rightly so) that it wasn't ok to take it out on him through my words and actions. He was always going to support me, but I had to let him.. not push him away with hateful and hurtful words. He wasn't putting up with it...ever.  He would support me, but would not be my whipping boy (no pun intended).

The rest of our ride was fine...quiet, but peaceful.....we got here very, very late.  He had to be at work at 6 am.  He awoke me with a kiss and whispered he'd see me tonight.  He also told me to think about the way I had been acting.  He wants me to have a plan of action for us to discuss the next time stress rears (again, no pun intended) its head.  He said we will figure out how to help each other through.  He also told me to enjoy sitting down today, because when he gets back....I will be getting a long, hard spanking to re-adjust my attitude and re-establish our roles.  I'm anxious, the butterflies have started...but I deserve it.  I need it...I want to wipe the slate clean and start over. 

I want from me exactly what I expect of him....support, love, understanding.  When it all comes down to it...it really is K and I against the world.

Re-Connect,Re-Establish, Re-Educate

Reconnect.....

Re-Establish.........

Re-Educate.........

That's what K and I have been doing this weekend.  And it's not been very pretty.   Not pretty at all.

I read Sara's blog today (findingsara.wordpress.com).  She hit the nail squarely on the head regarding my feelings lately. I guess I had a little more resentment built up than I thought.  I guess I was a little more hurt and sad than I thought.  Follow this recipe...

3 weeks of little to no contact with K + moving (with little to no help from K) + a major confrontation with one of my teenaged children (grrrrr) + little to no discipline......then add in a gallon of PMS, mix thoroughly....and let stew.........what do you get???

An atomic explosion....just waiting to happen.....and it did....Wow, did it happen!

I thought having K home would make everything right again, peacefully, serene.  Boy, was I wrong! We were detached, disconnected, distant.  Don't know if it was me or him, or both.   We just couldn't get in sync....sexually, emotionally, mentallly.....nothing.  I was angry and frustrated...he was confused and tired.  We tried to tiptoe around each other.....until......he said THE WRONG THING.

What he said is umimportant....but the explosion that followed wasn't.   I got angry......really, really angry.  I tried to walk away....he called me back....I argued...he argued....I tried to walk away again....he kept calling me back ( you would think he would have learned to let me cool off, but hasn't)....I tried to explain...he argued.....I tried to remove myself to another room....he kept me there.....I exploded.....I yelled....I cried.....I cussed.....I said mean, hateful things....I raged....and stomped....and cried some more.....all day....and into the evening.

We went to bed very angry with each other....and woke up...very angry with each other.  Finally, K had ENOUGH!  He took me by the shoulders, looked into my eyes and .....apologized (yes, really).  Not for what he had originally said because he still stood behind it, but for letting the argument go on far too long.   He apologized for not stopping it immediately like he should have.  He said he was worried because things had been so tense with us.  He didn't want to upset me right off the bat.  He apologized for letting me free fall into my anger...he apologized for not reeling me back in.  He acknowledged my feelings on the subject of the argument...but didn't change his mind or his stance.   He agreed we would talk about a compromise to avoid the argument in the future.  Then he flipped me on my stomach...and reconnected....re-established.....re-educated (with the black strap).  

We had our maintenance session last night....and the topic was revisited again......and so was my bottom with the strap .   He has reclaimed his status of HOH...although he never really lost it.  I feel much better about him, and us, and me.  I hope we both can learn from this separation and not let it get so crazy again.  But, if it does, I know he will not hesitate (again) to step in or step up to put us back on track. 

I'm glad he's home.