I would like some advice from all of you out there in blogging world. How would this be handled in your home?
I come from a very small town. I have lived here most of my life (except for my jaunt to "the big town" for college). I have raised my 4 sons here....so lets just say...I know almost everyone. I am a very affectionate/compassionate person. If I see someone I haven't seen in a while, I will give them a big hug hello. Let me clarify, before TTWD, I would have given them a big hug regardless of gender.
And there lies the problem.....
K did not grow up here....he does not know everyone....and he DOES not like anyone of the opposite gender making body contact with me other than a handshake. I personally think that's really silly and petty, but he is pretty adament in his feelings and he is not going to change them any time soon. Now, being the good submissive that I am (wink), I have truly tried to implement a "no-hugging" zone around me as much as I can in regards to men.
Here's the problem, K has finally relocated to my home town with me. Every day, we run into someone I know. What is the first thing that is usually done? Yep, they shake his hand and lean in to give me a hug. I've tried sticking my hand out as a pre-emptive, evasive move....but usually that just leads to them grabbing my hand and pulling me in closer for the hug. Every time this happens, I can hear the steam escaping from K's ears.
I have tried numerouus times to explain that this is how a lot of people in small towns that have known one another most of their respective lives sometimes greet each other...I've seen grown men clap each other on the back in the middle of the supermarket!
So, my question is...what to do? I know how much it bothers him....but short of pushing someone away physically, how do I block that hug? Please don't send me responses like he's crazy...or he should get over it...or anything along those lines.....he's not going to get over it and this is really causing a problem....for my rear.
So far, the compromise we've come up with is that I will attempt the handshake first....if the hug follows, it is to be VERY short and stiff....he even went as far as to demonstrate and have me practice....(ok, maybe he is a bit nuts, but he's MY nut, and I want him to be happy and comfortable). He then drove the point home over his knee....and said he'd be watching.
I'm thinking of becoming a recluse....you know, the crazy old lady with the 105 cats.....but I'm awfully young for that!
Anyone have any ideas how to set an "unhug" zone once it's already been established? Is this an issue with your HOH? I could use some practical advice here.....and FAST.....maintenance is looming....I have a feeling this is going to be revisited tonight.....I need to go practice my hug avoidance manuevers.....I'll be waiting for all your advice.
Ohhh that is a hard one. I'm not a hugger, so old friends usually remember and stick to hand shakes. His family and friends pull me into hugs. Very uncomfortable for me. I would love to find a solution that won't leave anyone with hurt feelings.
ReplyDeleteErrr, I'm not sure how to give off a no hug vibe. J doesn't mind this at all. I'm sorry I'm no help but good luck! I hope someone has useful advice!!
ReplyDeleteYep, I do have some advice. My husband feels the exact same way, although sometimes it seems silly to me. Thus, I try to avoid contact with other men...BUT...he also realizes that this is a cultural norm in some scenarios and I can't very well literally push an old friend away, be rude, or inappropriate.
ReplyDeleteI think you need to talk to K and tell him you cannot be expected to control other people's behaviors, only your own. It is absolutely unfair for him to take his anxiety out on your bottom! You have assured him that you are trying to set boundaries that he is more comfortable with, even though they are not how you grew up with these people, but he is going to have to trust you to do that gracefully and hope over time people begin to get the message. I would tell him I am just unwilling to be spanked for other people's actions...it is unjust... and that you need him to have some understanding, some trust, and patience. Sara
I go in for the kind of side hug and sort of do the arm pat. I'm not a huge touch person, city girl. With a loud "Hey How are ya doin" The person will get talking and stop invading your space.
ReplyDeleteYikes! Small town hugging is something I'm used to. I can't offer any advice, but it sounds like he's taken care of it for you. Maybe you could pretend to pull back and cough??? I got nothing. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteOn a different note, verification word "minughhhh"... "Wait, Dear, I need a min -- ughhh!!! :)
I got nothing either, sorry K's sweetie - I can only suggest that you compromise with K and say that you will try and set boundaries for people - hopefully they will get it but you cant be rude to friends. And this is something that will probably take a littel bit of time to get into place.
ReplyDeleteGood luck, let us know how it goes. :)
Sara,
ReplyDeleteWere you eavesdropping on our conversation? That's almost EXACTLY how it went. He understands what I'm saying, even though he doesn't LIKE it. He actually gave me some good advice on how to "unhug" which was very helpful. I'm going to put it into practice when I can. Thanks for the help...I'm glad to know I'm not alone!
Rogue,
LOL!!!! minughhhh......I was thinking maybe I should fake vomit...JK!!
Kiwi,
I think we came up with a real good compromise. I was very proud of him for working with me on this issue, because if he was ever going to be unyielding, it would be on this topic....he HATES any other man touching me except for family. We'll see how it goes!
I think that in the end, the only answer is some compromise between the two of you. You can do your best, but you can't really guarantee that no man you know will hug you and in the end, while you can try, you can't be completely responsible for someone elses actions. That said...I usually dangle a screaming child in front of me, failing that lol, perhaps, at least when you and K, are together you could hang onto his arm or waist when you greet other men? Seems like that might discourage extra closeness. Other than that I don't have any bright ideas. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteUmm, carry a python? :) I'm so helpful huh? My husband is possessive too, but when I'm with him he steers me or has his arm around me. I'm hard to hug when I'm half buried under his arm!
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this will help or not but.... my husband and I have talked about this issue as well. My husband says (and don't think he is crazy) but he says that when men hug women square on they can feel their breasts and he is really uncomfortable with that. He tells me that if a guy comes in for a hug with me (because we live in a very southern town and it would be rude for me not to hug back) that I should turn my body ever so slightly for a "side hug". It still gives them the friendly contact without any of the sexual connotation. My husband says that he tries to do the same thing at work with girls. Like I said earlier, we live in a southern community and it is just rude not to show affection so I hope that helps.
ReplyDeleteSide hug all the way!! :)