The blush is off the rose.....and been placed elsewhere.....
I'm feeling much better, K is feeling much better....and the re-organization, re-establishment, re-connection has begun.
I have been slipping for a while now. I'm not sure how it happens. It's kind of like a stone rolling down the hill.....first it's very, very slow....but as it gains momentum (and with nothing to stop it), it begins to careen down the hillside. Eventually it will crash to a halt (when it hits that brick wall), but it's a heck of a ride til then.
My attitude and submission are on that rocky slope. It started out with just small things....an eye roll....a slight mutter under my breath....just the slightest hesitancy when asked to do something (or stop doing something). As time went on, I got a bit braver...an exaggerated sigh, my muttering got louder, a pout here, a stomp there......to where I find myself today....a blatant No when asked to comply with a request, stalling, arguing (I like to call it reasoning...K doesn't), and even some retaliation (a playful pinch or slap).
Like I said, I have been really sick...and K will not punish when I'm not myself. I know I'm better because the total orneryness (is that a word?) is back with a vengeance. I like to pretend that I'm "just playing" or "just teasing", but we both know that's not the case. I'm testing...and pushing....and poking the big, bad bear.
Maybe it's because it's been so long since I've really had a good, long dose over his knee. Maybe it's because I know I want him to step in and enforce the limits. Maybe I just want to see if he can still fill the role I need from him.
We need to get back on track. We've talked about it...he knows....I know he knows....and he's assured me that as soon as our company leaves, we're going to have a long discussion about how to get back to where we were. And for a while, there is going to be zero tolerance on his part.
That makes me glad....and anxious....and reassured.
I don't care what anyone else thinks about the way we choose our lifestyle. I've learned enough about myself to know what I need and how I need it. I might not know why I need it, but I do....and so does he. It doesn't make me a child, or a freak....it makes me a woman who will do whatever necessary to make my relationship the best that it can be. I'm ready to reconnect, re-establish, and re-educate.
And I know just the man for the job......