Second Time Submission

One couple's journey to happiness from Top to Bottom

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Gotta Make the Doughnuts......

I'm trying to hold on until the weekend.  I don't want to play this game anymore (the moving game).  It's really no fun.  Add to that the fact that K is working 14-16 hours a day so we've had ZERO time together.  This morning he actually woke me up (as he was leaving) by whispering in my ear..."Time to make the doughnuts..."  (Anyone over 40 will get the reference...for you young'uns...never mind :)).

I decided I'm not going to wallow (had my pity party last week) but instead look for the bright spots.  I came to this realization. 

TTWD is working.  Not perfectly, we are human after all...but it is making us stronger and closer.  In the past, if I would have had to deal with all this stress AND  been away from K....I would have become a stark, raving B#TCH!  I would have resented K for the hours he is working.  I would have waged a cold war to punish him for leaving me alone for so long.  I would have made his job ten times harder. 

I don't want to do that anymore.  I know he doesn't want to leave me to go to work.  I know he'd rather stay and snuggle with me.  I know he wants our life to get back to a normal, sane routine.

Through TTWD, I have learned to respect how hard he works.  I've learned that I'm a partner in this relationship....I can choose how things are going to go down.  Is it going to be the hard way or the easy way.  Do I want to watch my tone?  Do I want to think about what I say?  Do I want to THINK rather than just REACT?

In the end, TTWD, to me is all about the choices I make.  To me, the term submissive is sort of a misnomer.  Maybe it should be called decisions determine the course of the relationship. I think a good HOH makes you AWARE of the consequences of your choices.  He is consistent and firm...  He ultimately puts the decision on your shoulders.  It's not so much being led as being made accountable.  My decisions affect the path of our relationship. 

My decisions aren't always correct.  Sometimes, they're downright stupid....but I can count on K to be there with the consequences.  I'm constantly telling my preschoolers...."make a good decision".  Now I'm trying to apply that to my life and relationship. 

I find myself more grounded and peaceful.  I'm cherishing the little time we do have together and the short amount of time we have to talk on the phone during the day, rather than making it more miserable.  Before, TTWD, that would not have been the all.

So, if nothing else comes out of this trying separation, I at least have that epiphany.  The weekend is coming...the move will be over....K's deadline will have passed...and he's promised me 3 days I'm holding on to that.  I have wracked up quite a few "good girl" spankings (thank you Rogue!) and I plan on cashing some in....

Until then, if you'll excuse me.....I have to MOVE the doughnuts

Monday, June 27, 2011

I Could Have Danced All Night

I have a question....and please, by all means, be honest...but kind  :)

How does your HOH feel about dancing?  Not with one another, but with others (girls, ofcourse) or even yourself?

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to dance..disco, rock, pop....whatever.  Before K and I really started getting serious, I would be the first one on the dance floor and the last one off.  I've been told I'm pretty good at it...but honestly, I don't care!!  I have enough rhythm and know enough steps that I don't embarrass myself.  This was also a time when I was spending alot to time in bars where there was music and such.

Since meeting K, I don't feel the need to be in bars.  In fact, it wouldn't be allowed....and it definitely wouldn't be good for our relationship.  However, I STILL love to dance!!

We went to a wedding this weekend.  It was one of K's business associates; therefore, I didn't know many of the people.  It was a very nice night....great weather, a couple cold beers, and some good dance music.  I didn't want to dance then....I hadn't seen K for 3 days and I just wanted to be by his side, hold his hand, and enjoy each other.  Later though, I got to thinking about it. 

"What do you think about dancing?" I asked.

"What about it?"

"How do you feel about ME dancing?"

"With me?"

"WOULD you dance with me?"....had to slightly smile, b/c I just can't see that happening

"Sure, I'd slow dance with you anytime"

"What about fast?"


"No, me"...pause, holding breath

"I don't think that's a very good idea"

"That's what I thought".....sigh

That was the end of the discussion until last night during out "maintenance" meeting. This is the time we discuss unresolved issues, so I brought it up again.  At first, I could tell he was a bit annoyed...but he listened....and we talked...and I explained how much I enjoyed dancing....he wanted to know why.....I explained...he asked more questions....I explained....we agreed to table a decision until a later time when it might be an issue.  He is worried that it might cause more problems than it would be worth....have I ever told you he is EXTREMELY jealous?  and possesive?  and protective.

He sees that this might cause some major problems between us....I agree....but I also think we could navigate the waters and hopefully head off any issues ahead of time.  He didn't tell me no...but he did say I should think about it and decide if I was willing to take the consequences if any issues did arise.  So now I'm left it worth it?  

Anyone ever had a dilemma like this?  I want him to make a decision...but I want the answer to be that he has left it up to me....I'm a bit flummoxed....

If I decide to go for I disregarding his wishes?  Am I pushing the limit?  Should I just let it go knowing how he feels?  Anyone have any thoughts or advice???

I want to do what is best for us...but I also don't want to give up something I really enjoy doing if we can come to a compromise..somebody.....HELP!!!

Friday, June 24, 2011

It's My Party....

I'm having a party..and all of you are's a great's my pity party

I know you  know that we are in the process of moving (cue the death march).  It's actually going as well as can be expected.  The problem is I miss my K.  He is so incredibly busy at work..he has only had about 5 hours sleep in the last 3 days trying to meet a Sunday deadline.  It's just ridiculous how hard he is working.  I am trying so hard to be the support he needs when he calls home to see how the packing/sorting/trashing/donating is going....but darn it, I MISS HIM.  I miss his support, his humor, his very being.  (And I miss his muscle, but that's purely selfish).

I know he is doing what he has to for support us...and give us all the things we need.   But I can't help being just a teeny bit resentful...stupid job...stupid deadline....stupid deal.  I want my man back....and I want him back NOW.

I know I have to share him right now, but I want to be the center of his attention.  Yes, I know, completely selfish, but this is my pity party and I'll bitch if I want to.  I know I really AM the center of his world, the most important thing, it's just so frustrating when he's so close...but so far away..(cue Carol King).  I know this too shall pass...we will be in our new house soon....together again....and I'll probably be complaining about how strict he is, etc, etc.   But for today....I miss him...I need him....I want him......

When he calls, I will put a smile in my voice, tell him how much I love and appreciate him, encourage him to get some sleep.......and save my pity party for after I hang up....

I promise, the next party I throw will be much more fun...maybe I'll have pony rides

Thursday, June 23, 2011

I think I've lost it

I don't have much to write...just wanted to say:


Thank you so much for stopping by...if I don't jump off a cliff by Sunday...hopefully I will have a new post....

Have a great weekend everybody and say a little prayer for my sanity.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

And Then the Bubble Popped...

So my sweet, warm and fuzzy bubble popped in a big way last night.  I'm sure you all heard the boom...and you probably just thought it was thunder.

K and I are moving in the next couple weeks....stress, stress, and more stress!  We tried to talk Sunday evening about how we were going to handle things so they didn't get out of hand.  That all sounds well and good on paper, but as we all know, reality is another beast all together.

K is a wonderful business man who has his hand in many, many projects.  As it always seems, they are all coming down to the wire at once.  He is a wound-up mess. His "right-hand" man is going to be gone a few days for his daughter's wedding which is making him even more crazy.

We were going to our new house last night to talk to the owner about last minute details, etc.  K called me on his way from the office (it's about an hour drive) just to talk since he and I had been very busy all day and hadn't really touched base.  He was still wound up from work...I should have known....but one of the first things out of his mouth was, "I don't know what kind of plans you've made for us this weekend, but you can forget it...I have to be at the shop". Now, I know he has to work...especially since the foreman is going to be gone, but it was something about the way he said it that really set me off. I found it very rude and disrespectful to me.  So I told him no uncertain terms. Then I told him I needed to get off the phone...because I knew a major argument was brewing.

He must have thought about it because by the time he got home, he was as sweet as could be...ofcourse, I wasn't.  I get a bug up my butt (excuse the image) and I can't/won't let it go.  I made a couple of snippy comments to him.  Finally, he sat me down...looked me straight in the eye and said, "Look, I'm sorry for the way that came out...I just got off the phone with a client, I was pissed off.  I didn't mean for that to come out the way it did.  Please let it go and let's have a nice night...I'm sorry."

Should have been enough, right?  I should have shut my mouth and let it go, right?  Did I....OH NO...that would have been way too easy. 

I continued with some snarky comments ( I know, I know)....a few sly innuendoes (I'm so smart) and one outright bitchy sentence.

"That's it!"....gulp....."I told you that was enough"....taking me by the wrist into our bedroom....bending me over the bed (thankfully, pants still on as we were almost out the door).....5 hard swats on each side...."I told you I was sorry, I told you to let it go, I told you that was ENOUGH! Now get out of your bitch mode"

Did I stop? Did I say "ok,honey, I'm sorry, I quit, you're right"....ofcourse not.....instead, I came up with this brillant little nugget...

"Well then get out of your asshole mode".....did I tell you I have tourette's syndrome....where the heck did that come from?

He grabbed the hairbrush off the counter and did a number on my behind.  By the time he was finished, my mode had switched to sorry, sorry, you're right, I'll quit mode.

Sheesh, would someone please channel my brain and tell it to SHUT UP once in a while?  I gotta find a filter....

BTW....I was sweet as pie the rest of the evening...the homeowner even commented on what a wonderful couple we were...guess he didn't see the butt rubbing between rooms!!

Monday, June 20, 2011

The Big Move....FINALLY

It's going to be a crazy couple of weeks around here.  K and I are finally getting our house TOGETHER!!  No more packing and unpacking  every week.  I can't wait!  I wish I could just wiggle my nose and have the move done....I HATE MOVING!!

K and I know that the stress level is probably going to be through the roof for the next month of so.  We talked about it at length last night before our maintenance session.  We are trying to identify our pressure points and talk about ways to diffuse the situation.  Before TTWD, it would have been all out war between us...yelling, sulking, stony silence, etc. I can honestly say that I don't miss that.  I don't like being told what to do, and I REALLY don't like being spanked for my attitude, but it is comforting to know that there are boundaries which I shouldn't cross.  TTWD really forces me to stop and consider my words and tone before lashing out. In doing so, I find myself considering K's perspective more and more.

In our discussion last night, I found myself saying,"I need....." rather than "you should......."or "if you would only........"  TTWD makes me examine myself and forces me to communicate how I feel rather than automatically laying blame on K or expecting him to read my mind.  I think more marriages would benefit from this sort of introspection.

I will try to keep up with the blog as much as possible...please bear with me...I'll be back as soon as I can.

On a side note, our new house has an attached apartment separated by the garage.  K is going to use it as his satellite office...however, he has nicknamed it the "Spankatorium"....makes me sorta nervous and sorta turned on......stay tuned!

Friday, June 17, 2011

Because of the Carpenters......

We are FINALLY home....thank goodness!  I'm ready for things to get back to normal.  I'm ready to get back into our routine.

Our trip home was almost 13 hours.  I have to say, I love riding on long trips with K.  It gives us time to talk...and talk we did....about everything.  Life, love, TTWD, the kids, our upcoming move, his childhood, my childhood, etc. etc.  I love that time together.  Not only do I like the talk, but I love the silence....the comfortable silence....we're just riding along each lost in our own thoughts and he'll reach over and stroke my arm, or hold my hand....sigh......

We like to play a game where each of us tries to name the artist singing the song on the radio.   He kills me in country and 70's....I steamroll him in 80's and R&B.   It's a lot of fun to reminisce and sing along to all the music.  So, we're rolling along singing and laughing and all of a sudden, K blurts out, "Why do you love me?" 

"Huh? Seriously?"

"Yeah, why do you love me so much? I can tell you do"

So all these thoughts and reasons go flowing through my head....because you are the man I've always looked for, because you would kill for me, because you make me feel safe and secure, because you're the smartest man I know, because you know what I need, when I need it and how to give it to me......but I've told him all this before...

Then, it old Carpenter's love song came on.....and K started singing it.  My huge, hulk of a man who's forearms are bigger than my thighs...who can wilt most people with just a look....who never lets anyone see him sweat....took my hand and started singing that sappy, cheesy, totally wonderful love song to me.....

My heart almost burst.....I love this man.... this.possessive, proud, opinionated, obstinate, boorish, bigger-than-life man.....who sings the Carpenters.......sigh.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Last Day in New Orleans

Before I even start this entry, let me make clear that I am very grateful for all I have been given.  I don't want to come off as a spoiled brat who only wants to whine.  Ok, that being said.....I WANT TO GO HOME!!

Don't get me wrong, I have had a wonderful time being away with K, even though I haven't gotten to see him much.  He leaves for work at 6 am and doesn't get back until the time we get some dinner, he's ready to hit the sleep (sigh).  Can't fault him for that, it hasn't been below 95 since we got here.

I miss my kids....and my house...and my bed.....and my maintenance.....and yes, even cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands, etc, etc.  For those of you who have been working non-stop for the last week, I know you are rolling your eyes, but I can't help it.  I feel a bit out-of-sorts and I know K does's time to go home.

I'm ready to get back to reality.  I need to return to our routine.  I need normalcy again...vacation is nice, but as Dorothy said,"there's no place like home".

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I Know What's Going On.....Usually

I laughed out loud when I saw this....

I just couldn't resist! 

Yes, he's my HOH.....

Yes, I follow his lead (or try to)

Yes, he makes the final decisions......

But, I know he needs me too.  I know he depends on me to keep it all together on the homefront and beyond.  We do have a real partnership...not always 50/50....but that's ok.  TTWD makes us strong, and focused and balanced.  I need it and I need him....

So I'll keep it all together...and he can decide what to do with it....

And that will work just fine!

Monday, June 13, 2011

Tanning Your Hide

I found it!!  I found it!!!  I found the PERFECT way to escape a spanking.....

It comes at a price though.....

Although, not so much for me......

Sunday night is maintenance night for K and I.  Silly me for thinking we might skip it because of being away from home.  Sunday morning, K reminded me that we would indeed be having maintenance regardless of where we were....sigh, ok....I need it anyway....

K and I have never been to the beach together.  He is NOT a beach kinda I've said before...K is 6'5 and 320lbs.  The beach is really not a place where he is comfortable...too hot, too sandy, too many people...etc, etc.  BUT, he knows how much I LOVE the beach and he wanted to take me.  (Did I mention how much I love this man?) So early Sunday, we packed up the truck and headed toward the beach.  We had a wonderful day...just the two of us....very secluded beach, water, sand, a couple beers, some swimming, and ok, maybe just a little hanky panky way off shore ;)

I have a pretty good base tan, but K has the typical "farmer's tan" of a man who works mostly outside.  I covered him in sunscreen, but you know how well that works when you are in and out of the water all day.
We stayed about 3hours and then decided we had enough.  We went for a drive down the coast, stopped at a really cool place on the water for dinner, then headed back to the city.  It was a wonderful, romantic, relaxing day.  I passed the time chatting with K, gazing at the water...and watching my love turn into a french fried lobster.

When we left the beach, K was a bit red, but as the evening wore on, he turned pinker and pinker.  By the time, we returned to the room and had a shower, he was BRIGHT red.  Poor guy!!  I slathered him with aloe and cool cloths and he really didn't complain much, but I know he was uncomfortable. 

Just before bed, he said, " Honey, we need to get to our maintenance...., but..."

"But what, Babe?"

"I don't think I can raise my arm...."  I would like to receive some props for not even cracking a smile!!  This man has got to be hurting if he's passing on a promised spanking!  He gave me a raincheck for tonight which I gladly accepted. 

He was up early this morning and ready to get to work, so I doubt if there will be another pass tonight.  I just wanted to let you know, if you need to get out of a promised spanking, take him to the beach!!!  Gives a whole new meaning to "tanning your hide!"

Saturday, June 11, 2011

So Long Baton Rouge

Today, we're saying good bye to Baton Rouge and hello to New Orleans.  I'm very excited to see this historic city.  I'm even more excited to have K to myself until Monday morning.  He has been working such long hours (getting up at 4 am til almost 6pm in 95plus heat) that when he gets back, all he wants to do is eat and go to sleep...and who can blame him. 

We are leaving at noon today to hit The Big Easy...and I can't wait!!  If you've been here before, do you have any suggestions of things I HAVE to see or do?  Everyone have a great weekend and try to stay cool.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Here's Your Sign........

Did you ever play the game, "Thumper", in college?  It was a drinking game where you would pound rhythmically on the table then make your "sign" (i.e. a wink, a nose wiggle, snap...whatever) in succession..adding another sign each time....if you messed up the order, you had to take a drink....or something like HAS been over 20 years.  I used to be REALLY good at that game...and recognizing other's signs.

I could have used that experience last night.  K and I took one of his business colleagues out to dinner.  It was a really cool Cajun place with music playing and a large dance floor with swirling couples. As we walked in, I asked K (who is a born and bred Texas man) if the couples were doing the two step.  "Sure looks like it", he told me to which I innocently said, "Man, I'd love to learn to do that" (visions of John Travolta in Urban Cowboy) swirling in my head.

As we sat down, K's business partner started explaining the two step to forward...two back...or vice versa. Trying to be polite, and relieved to listen to something besides talk of T-joints, bar machines, suspension blah, blah, blah, etc., I engaged in some conversation about the dance.  The music would change occasionally and he would comment on whether it was a polka, waltz, etc.  This man just had a major hip injury and walks around like a dog hit by a car.  During our conversation about one of the dance styles, he remarked, "if I didn't have this bum hip, I'd show you how to do the two step, myself" which I politely smiled. 

What does this have to do with signs?  Well, apparently, during our conversation, K was sending me subtle "signs". At one point, he rubbed my leg with his(?)....I took this as "love you" I rubbed back....a bit later, he squeezed my hand....again, I squeezed back...yes, baby, I love you.....finally, he leaned over and kissed my ear, whispering, "enough of the dance talk".  Hmmmm, ok, no problem....and so ended the dance conversation.

We finished our meal, continued talk about our respective families and children, I listened to more "shop talk" and we returned to the hotel all together.  After we let his colleague off at his floor and continued to ours, an arctic chill swept through the elevator....hmmmmm....starting to see a sign here.

In our room, I was met with total silence....and a steely glare.   Another, I asked..."Is there something wrong, honey" which he replied,"why don't YOU tell ME?".....I was  honestly bewildered...wracking my brain trying to think of what I could have done wrong....I came up with I told him that.....

What followed was one of the most puzzling, troubling arguments we've ever had.  He felt I had "opened the door" to a possible bad situation by discussing dancing with his business contact.  All because the man said if he hadn't had a bad hip, he would have showed me how to two step....HUH???  I would never dance with another man under any circumstances....I was just trying to make polite conversation.....he just couldn't understand that...and let me know that in no uncertain terms since he had been seething for most of the meal.  "Didn't you catch any of the signs I gave you????"....."WHAT signs?"...."I rubbed your leg, squeezed your hand....I finally had to just tell you!!"  I swear if he wouldn't have been so angry, I probably would have was all so ridiculous.......but he was angry....really, really angry...he felt I had put him in a bad position if he would have had to step in and stop me from dancing with this if that ever would have happened.  We finally agreed to disagree...I promised to try to be more careful in what I said (although, I'm still not sure exactly what I did wrong) and he agreed to let me know more efficiently when a situation was bothering him.

So, he wants us to have a "sign" to let each other know if a situation is going in the wrong what do you think....eye twitch....probably not.....maybe I should just pick my nose....I'm a little lost on this one.  Does anyone have any suggestions?  Do you have subtle signs you use in your relationship?  I'm looking for some help.....anyone???

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Spanking....Ragin' Cajun Style

Greetings from the Gulf Coast!!  I am in Baton Rouge for the next 4 days..then onto New Orleans for 5.  K is here on business and I'm tagging along for moral support (and pool time).  I have been looking forward to this get-away, for sooo long.  School is finally over and I'm ready for some down time, alone with K.  Nine glorious days of just the two of us!!

We need this time for a number of reasons.  We need to reconnect in our relationship.  I have been over the top with school stress, kid stress, parent stress, etc, etc.  He has had a whole other set of stressors also.  Even though he will be working during the day, we will have evenings (especially LATE evenings) to just be with each other...ahhhhhh.....and some Ragin' Cajun Spankin'!

K is normally very protective (some might even say possessive) of me when we are home...but here, he is really overboard. I am a very friendly and outgoing person who really doesn't know a stranger.  He knows the dangers of these areas and is a little worried.  I am working very hard to assuage his fears, while not losing myself and my inherent personality.  Deep down, I know he is right...this is not our safe little burg where we normally live and I need to keep my antennae up.  Sometimes, I forget that not all people have good intentions...some aren't even nice.  K reminds me of this alot.  I really am learning from him about these things.  He reminds me that I don't have to be nice all the time...especially to people (read men) that I don't know.  It's ok to be detattached and aloof (although he puts it in a little more vulgar way).

The older I get, the more I learn.  The longer I am with K, the more I learn also.  He makes me stronger and tougher...and I think I make him softer and gentler.  I like the way that works out!! 

So for now, Ciao, from Baton Rouge....I'm off to find some crawdads for dinner....NOT!! 

Monday, June 6, 2011

A Love Letter to My Son

Today is a bittersweet day for me.  My youngest son has his LAST day of Junior High today.  I can't believe it.....where does the time go? It really seems like just yesterday that he was heading out the door for the first day of preschool with his new tennis shoes and Spiderman backpack.  How can my baby be starting high school? Soon he'll be driving, dating, and all the other wonderful things that make the teen years so special.  You would think I'd be used to this....I've been through it 3other times....but something about the last one gets me every time.  So in tribute to my son, I would like to say the following:

To my dearest, dearest son.  You have no idea how much joy you have brought into my life.  You have no idea how proud of you I am.  You are a wonderful person and a fine friend.  You bring laughter and love to all that you meet.  You are kind and caring to everyone regardless of their position in life.  As you forge ahead in life, I wish the following for you:

I wish that you find your passion in life.  I hope that passion drives you in all you do.

I hope you find a career in your life...not a job...a career....something that makes you happy to get up in the morning (or atleast after a couple hours).

I hope you discover the difference between a friend and an acquaintance.  I hope you have atleast 2 true friends at any point in your life.

I hope you come to appreciate your 3 older comforts me to know you will have each other when I am gone.

I hope you spend lots of time with your grandparents.  They love you to the moon and back...and they don't ask for much....just your time.

I hope you find love, lose it, and find it you know how precious it really is, how hard it is to find....and you appreciate it when it is given to you.

I hope you learn the value of hard work...complete with sweat and tears....

I hope you learn to build bridges as you go through life...and that as you're building new ones, you are sure not to burn the old ones

I hope you remember the small town that helped raise you...and I hope you find a way to pay it forward for the next generation,

And lastly, I hope you know that my life would not be complete without you.  I hope you know I would walk through fire for you, fight a rabid bear, or swim the Missippi in a boulder bathing suit.  No matter how tall you get or where you go in life, I will always be here loving you, cheering you on and wishing only the best and brightest for you.


Friday, June 3, 2011

One piece, two piece, what to wear to the pool, piece?

I am struggling.  I have been working so hard at my submissive side. I am not a normally submissive person to ANYONE, but it is the gift that I have chosen to give to K.  I know that this is needed to make our relationship work.  We are both very strong, intimidating, opinionated people.  If something didn't give, we were going to implode.  I know this....but I still have issues.  We have used communication to work through most of our gray areas, but now another has popped up and I find myself unwilling and unable to bend

It all revolves around my bathing suit.  I know, stupid, right?  But as we all know, the bathing suit is only the symptom.  I have two suits...the first is a one-piece, black...BORING, the other is a two piece...halter on top, sportish skirt on bottom.  Now keep in mind, I am in my early 40's.  I'm not a teeny-bopper anymore, nor do I dress like one.  This suit is made for middle-aged women like me.  I am fairly well endowed on top....and a few pounds heavier than I should be...but still look decent in this suit.  I also wore it all last summer to the pool.  You know how hard it is to be confident at a pool...and I feel pretty good in this suit.
Today, I made plans to meet a girlfriend at the pool at our  apartment.  She's had a tough week and I thought a couple hours of girl talk and sun would do us both some good.  When I told K, he said, "fine, but you will wear the one piece..." What???  Really???  Since when does he dictate what I wear?  I think I have a pretty good sense of style and what looks good on me and what is appropriate for a woman of my age.  I don't know why, but this really set me off....the crazy thing is that I had already planned to wear the one-piece, but as soon as I was TOLD to wear it, I wanted to wear the other.  Why is that? Why do I dig my heels in over something that seems so petty? 

I partly think it's because I worry if I give in to this, what's next? Short length? Skirt length? Gunney sacks and turtle necks.  I don't know why this bothers me so much.  K says, as the HOH, he has the final decision on how much skin I show.  I say, the way I dress is a reflection of my personnal style, it's part of my identity.  Yes, I dress for him, but I mostly dress to make myself happy and confident.  How do I make him see that?  He says I'm looking for attention from other men...I say no way. He has always thought I was sexy...why is he now wanting me to cover it up? 

How do you explain the difference between control and controlling?  I tried to use the analogy that I am a baby can love the baby bird with all your heart, but you have to hold it gently and lovingly.  If you squeeze it too tight, you will kill it.  K says, if you hold it too loosely, it will fly away.  I told him, Yes, you can hold it tightly and it will never leave, but it will also be dead...just a shell of its former self or you can hold it loosely, support it, love it....and instead of flying away, it will come sit on your shoulder forever because it wants to.

How do I explain this to my man?  That holding on tightly just makes me want to spread my wings and escape?  I love him so, and I know he loves me. I know his controlling nature comes from his fear of losing me...but I'm not going anywhere....I don't want to.  I just want to be me....Can anybody help me?  When I agreed to TTWD, did I give up my right to make any decision?  Is his word always the law, even when it comes to something so personnal as the way I dress?  I really need some advice.  If you think the answer  to these questions is yes, please tell me.  Help me...I'll take any advice I does this work in your relationship?  I'm open to all points of view.......thanks....

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Rabbit, Rabbit, Rabbit

Until I met K, I had never heard of this tradition. Not sure I still get it completely....but I think the gist is that on the first day of the month, upon awakening, you are supposed to say "rabbit, rabbit, rabbit" and you will have good luck for the entire month.  I'm not necessarily superstitious, but I'm not about to pass up an opportunity for some good luck either...especially since my horoscope said to go buy a lottery ticket (seriously).

But even if I don't hit the mega-millions or powerball...I still think I hit the jackpot.  I have a man who loves me to his very core.  One who is willing to put up with my s*^t, one who will set limits and enforce them and one who "gets" me...without judgement.  He understands that TTWD is who I ingrained in my makes me tick.

I wasn't always so lucky.  I have been married before.  I wish I could say he was a jerk, or an ass, or mean, or a thousand other things, but he wasn't.  He just wasn't the one for me and I definitely wasn't the one for him.  I steamrolled right over him.  I definitely wore the pants in the family...funny thing was, that's what I thought I wanted.....until I got it...too much.  Long story short, we divorced after 16 years of marriage and 4 boys.  Amicably, believe it or not....he's moved on, so have I, and the kids seem to be doing as fine as possible.

I didn't think I would ever find the kind of relationship that I read about in your blogs and on-line stories.  A real "take charge" man, one that I couldn't bend to my will just because I wanted to. I really, seriously didn't think those kind of guys existed, except in fantasies.  When I met K, I could see a glimmer of that guy, but MAN, how do you approach "THAT" subject? Luckily, the opportunity presented itself one day and instead of looking at me in horror or laughing in my face, K was very interested. Little did I know this was right down his alley....thankfully.

It will be one year at the end of this month since we started our DD relationship and although it's had it's share of ups and downs and sideways, I wouldn't trade it for the world...I truly hit the jackpot!