I'm back! It's been a ridiculously busy week around here. I substitute taught in a 5th grade class all week (since MY preschool doesn't start until after Labor Day) and my two youngest had 3 tennis matches in the evenings. By the time I got home, made dinner, socialized with the boys and K...I was ready for BED. Also, K really doesn't like it if I'm on the computer in the evenings when we have time together...which is cool b/c being with him is my favorite pasttime anyway!
I wish I could say that all was smooth sailing this week. We had a maintenance issue last Sunday (thanks to all who sent their best wishes, great advice or just moral support) but we've been working on our communication and compromise.
Unfortunately, it all came crashing down Thursday night....and it was almost totally MY fault. I had a temporary moment of insanity.....that caused a huge rift between us that is just now starting to heal.
K and I have a contract for our Dd relationship. It clearly states the rules and consequences regarding my actions, his reactions, everything that encompasses our lifestyle. I know it, I agreed to it, I live by it...and so does he.
One of our "golden" rules is that I am NOT to respond to texts or phone calls from other men (outside of work or family) without discussing with him first. There is a very good reason for this rule....and we both know it. I have been punished for this before...I get a text, and I think I have to respond immediately. The last time this was an issue was a year ago...and seriously, I really haven't been punished for anything too severely since that time.
I don't know if it was the length of time since my last REAL punishment, I don't know if I thought I had more leeway than I thought, maybe the stars were misaligned...or maybe an alien invaded my body. Regardless, I was sitting at yet another tennis match. I was watching two matches simutaneously (both my boys play Varsity...one at #2 singles and the other at #3), texting K and my oldest son, talking (ok, listening, to my mother go on and on.....) and steadfastly ignoring my ex-husband and his new "cutie pie" girlfriend (pause while I puke in my mouth a little).
That's when it happened....ding.....TEXT!!
Unfamiliar number.....hmmm...should have been the first warning....
"Are you and K going to be in town on Sept. 9"
Without thinking I texted back, "Who is this?"
"It's___________(insert man's name here)"
Now, I should have stopped right there....instantly.....because not only does K not like me texting back men....he REALLY does not like this man......for no really good reason, he just doesn't.
Did I stop.....hell no.....
"Hi ____________________! I think we will be, why?"
He goes on to say he and his wife (who is a friend too) will be in town, thought we could get together.....
I should have stopped....instantly.....did I??? Hell no
"Give us a call and we'll see if we can get together" is what I responded....yep....I sure did.
When I got home, I was talking to K about my day, the match, etc. Then I casually (yep, my brain STILL hadn't kicked in) mentioned to K that _____________ had texted about the 9th.
"He did what?"
"He wanted to know if we would be in town"........dead silence......uh oh....scramble...stutter....back pedal....counter accuse.....get mad.......
Instead of owning up to what I had done.....fully knowing I had done it...and I was DEAD wrong....I fought....tooth and nail......I threw every excuse in the book at him....I yelled....and stomped....and threw my phone....and all sorts of childish, immature things....it was horrible....I was horrible....I was nailed...dead to rights......but I hadn't done it on purpose....it just slipped....shouldn't that count for something????
Apparently not....we both went to bed seething......too much had happened to even think about fixing it that night.....we talked when we both woke up about 5 am...for two hours.....I finally had to admit that I was wrong....dead wrong. And the fit I threw was absolutely over the top and uncalled for. I should have just admitted what I had done (why do I find that SO hard to do????) and accepted my consequences. He even told me he probably would have let me off with a lecture to not do it again. Instead, I was going to be paddled that night.
I hate that paddle....I mean, seriously HATE it. I don't know how some of you can say how much you like it, etc.....but I digress. It is only used for the most serious consequences and I have only felt it once over my jeans. That was NOT going to be the case for this.....and I had to wait all day b/c we both had to work.
I wish I could say I went willingly...contritely.....submissively....but I didn't. I argued right up to the very end, but in the end, I got paddled....hard....and long....and I deserved it. When I finally admitted it to myself, I could submit to the punishment....but the guilt and shame in my own head was so much worse.
It's over now...we've moved on....and we've talked alot. K says he's gotten lax with me...and I've gotten careless....but no more....and after my little display, I can say that's what I need...atleast for a while.
You know, one of the things I experienced early on in Dd was the absolute shock when some obvious rule or agreement or directive just went out of my head completely. I am not a stupid woman, and how could I 'forget'? Where do these things go? What I realized for myself was that maintaining awareness of Grant's wishes and directives was not a habit that had taken hold yet. It took an effort and focus on my part that surprised me. It took me time to learn to carry that with me throughout my days.
ReplyDeleteI am wondering why you got so angry though, and fought what you knew was your "oops"? Do you know why you reacted like that? I am just asking, because it seems you have even written that if you had said to K "Wow, I have no idea what I was thinking. I am sorry and will be more careful!" He would have let it go.
Sara
Sara,
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly how I felt. I really didn't realize how wrong I had been until I saw the expression on K's face. I'm like you...I'm NOT a stupid woman..and this is a very black and white rule...what the heck happened?
I've been asking myself why I reacted the way I did. The only thing I've come up with is that I was so angry with myself that I projected it all outward. I wanted him to understand that I didn't do it on purpose...it was just careless. As you've said many times before, Dd makes you take a long, hard look at yourself. I've come to the conclusion that I have a real problem with being wrong. And being called on it....I wanted to explain it away...but I couldn't and K wouldn't take my BS either. It's been a hard lesson, but one that I needed to learn. I know I have some work to do on my reaction...luckily, K is ready to help.
When this happened to me on Friday I was kinda shocked too. How do we just blank on rules that are so obvious? I understand the explanation of your reaction as well. I guess the next step is to deal with the anger at yourself before getting into it with him. My hubby always tells me, "It's not what you know, it's what you think of in time." True sometimes.
ReplyDeleteSometimes the best defense is a good offense. I've definitely been there. I'm wondering if you are at a point where you are questioning on some level the validity of the rule. As relationships cement and become more secure some oh the initial rules we make to ground us become obsolete. Wondering if you felt a loss of control over a sime task because may you have outgrown this rule.
ReplyDeleteSusie,
ReplyDeleteGood advice....I'm working on it :)
NTP,
Yes! I usually go on the offensive in just about every situation. It has served me well up until now...and K sees through all that BS. I think you bring up an excellent point. When the rule was put into place, it was at the very beginning of our relationship and for a very good reason. Maybe that is why I reacted so strongly..I KNEW I wasn't crossing any line except ofcourse, the obvious that I had not followed one of our agreed upon guidelines. Unfortunately, I don't see this as something he's going to be comfortable negating...we'll see.
Ah yes, well for me a rule i agree with is a LOT easier to follow than the ones that I do not. If I can put it back on him "Whats wrong with you, anyway? Why can't I go away for the weekend without asking?" then it makes me look more innocent. I'm like you, I don't like to admit I'm wrong. When, like you, I might just get a "non event" reminder or even just a warning at times.
ReplyDeleteEek! So sorry! I sympathize about hating paddles...me too! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteKay :)