Spanking Gone Wrong

A little while back, Sara (findingsara.wordpress.com) wrote an entry about when a spanking leaves you angry.  I had one of those moments last night.  I feel better today, but I still feel somewhat short-changed.

K and I have been so busy with traveling, moving, I was sick, kids were home, etc., that's it's been almost 2 weeks since I've had a spanking.  Sunday night is always maintenance night at our house and I was looking forward to our "meeting" and the after activities.  Looking back, it seems like the universe was conspiring against us.  K has an office attached to our new house (the spankatorium).  We were all set for our meeting...I was freshly showered, ready/willing/and able, and we were starting our "discussion"....when a bat decided to fly into the window...it scared the living daylights out of both of us!  K sent me upstairs to "wait" for him, but I discovered that one of the windows did not have a blind and anyone outside could see in and observe our activities....so.....back to the main house we came.  (A real mood killer).

Take two....let's try again in our bedroom.  Our conversation started off well enough.  We talked about some issues we had experienced during the two week hiatus from spanking, what we each had observed in ourself and each other, what needed to change, what went wrong, what went right, etc.  Then our conversation turned to my upcoming vacation with the kids in Minnesota (he's got to go back to New Orleans).  I have been there with the kids before and there were a couple points that I wanted to clear up before I went.  Things that I know might be a "hot button issues" with us.  Instead of working for a solution we could both live with, I felt K was going out of his way to be antagonistic.  IMO, he kept throwing up road blocks to the discussion by bringing up others issues that really didn't have anything to do with what we were talking about.  All I wanted was for him to make a decision on how he wanted us to handle things.  I wasn't arguing with his decision...I just wanted him to make it.  But instead, he kept going round and round in circles.   So, what did I do?....got frustrated, raised my voice, began to cop an attitude.

He abruptly ended the discussion and started the maintenance spanking.  All through it, he kept saying how he was the HOH (I know that), how the final decision was his (I know that too!  Just make the damn thing already), how I had been disrespectful by raising my voice (I agree...but I was very frustrated), and how I was just trying to argue with him (THAT I would NOT agree with...in fact, I continued to defend my actions even as the hairbrush continued to fall). Usually, I will agree with what he is saying and reinforcing.  But I would not cop to be the cause of this problem!   Finally, he quit...I was in tears...not so much from the spanking, but from the fact that K has always said that maintenance is a time for us to speak freely and work out issues we might be having or forsee having.  I was so hurt and frustrated that he had broken our agreement.

To my credit, I didn't withdraw...I didn't sulk....I didn't turn a cold shoulder.  I repeated how I felt...and I told him how I felt he had not held up his end of our agreement.  I reminded him why we had our discussions to begin with and how I felt he had let me down by not listening to me and working with me to find a solution. 

I know he heard me.  I know he felt bad.  We talked this morning, and I'm pretty sure he understands what I'm trying to say.  Ofcourse, I forgive him...but yet, I feel so cheated.  I was so looking forward to last night and all it entailed......and it fell REALLY short of those expectations.  I'm thinking I should ask for a re-do for tonight.  I'm hoping my words and feelings got through to him.....I trust him to lead me but I know occasionally he will stumble.  I want to shrug it off and chalk it up to stress/bad karma/sun spots/the universe/lack of sleep/new environment/hormones or whatever.

I want to let it go and start over.  I want to be an understanding and supportive partner...I don't want to hold a grudge.....but darn it, I want my spanking back!!  I'll keep you posted about Take 3....