I can't believe myself sometimes. I have the absolute WORST timing....at the absolute WORST time.
As you know, K and I have been apart for a week or so. I was in Minnesota with my extended family and kids (kill me)...and K was back in New Orleans for work. I'm going to go out on a limb here and make what could be the under-statement of the century....
We do not do well with separation!!
When we are together, all is right (mostly) with the world. When we are apart....not so much.
We are well aware of our limitations in this area and we have taken many steps to help remedy the problem. Lots of talk, fights, compromise, trial and error, etc. I really thought we had finally come up with some solutions and guidelines that would help us get through these times.
And they probably would have......if only I had used my BRAIN!!! UGH!!!!!!
K has a "thing" about my cell phone....actually, K has a thing about HIS cell phone....he can't function without it for more than 2 minutes at a time. I, on the other hand, love my phone...but it's not an extension of my being. I can be away from it for almost an hour or more with no ill-lasting effects. K does not get this AT ALL.
We have discussed this many, many times. He wants me to have my cell with me at all times unless I let him know that I don't. (I refuse to take it into the bank, post office, library, etc....people talking loudly in these places DRIVE ME CRAZY!!). He's not psychotic about it, he just wants to know he can get in touch with me if he needs to. If I decide not to take it with me, he asks that I let him know that and get back in touch when I do have it. Simple enough, right?
Knowing we were going to be 1400 miles apart, K had repeatedly reminded me to keep in touch, keep my phone handy and keep him informed about what was going on. I don't feel the need to go into the reasons why he asks that here....just take my word that his concerns are well-founded. I agreed...over and over again....I was even reminded the morning I left with a rather firm/stern spanking....KEEP YOUR PHONE WITH YOU UNLESS YOU LET ME KNOW OTHERWISE!!...ok, got it.....
The drive to Minnesota was over 13 hrs...most of which I spent talking to K b/c he was heading 13 hours in the other direction. As I drove into the camp ground, I told K that I was going to greet all the family, get something to eat, relax a bit and then call him.
"Sounds great, babe. Tell Everyone HI for me."
"Ok, text me when you get to New Orleans"
"Will do"
So, I roll into the camp where everyone happens to be outside around my cabin. I got out to lots of hugs, kisses (from my kids), questions about the trip up, etc...etc....In the meantime, my nephew came rolling in with his new camper.....same round of hugs, kisses, questions, etc. for him. The next thing I knew, an hour and a half had passed. I reached in my pocket to check my phone......
not there....
are you serious?....
nope......not there.....
It was still on the car seat where I had tossed it....OH CRAP.....
not one, not two, not three.....SIX texts....and 2 calls....all from guess who.....
He was soooooo angry with me.....and who could blame him? WE HAD JUST TALKED ABOUT THIS, not 5 minutes before I arrived.
I apologized, I explained, I apologized....I was in BIG trouble....and it was the first day.
K and I have the rule, if I am in trouble, and we were apart, he will inform me of what the punishment will be upon my return. But he didn't say anything about punishment or consequences....just alot of disappointment.
Our week went from bad to worse. I think I blogged about it earlier. K was holding onto his resentment...I was feeling guilty...it was awful. We snipped at each other...we were short with each other...we were dismissive of each other's feelings....he felt I was not submissive and I was taking advantage of being so far away...I felt he was nit-picking every thing I said and did....we were both right...and we were both wrong.
Fast forward to yesterday when I got home. We were so glad to see each other. After the homecoming "festivities" were over, we really sat down to talk about how badly the week had gone. It all came back to the first night and my complete "brain fart". I kept apologizing....he kept lecturing.
Finally...FINALLY....it all came out...why he didn't announce the consequences right away. He was afraid if he told me I would be paddled when I got home, that I would take that as a free ticket to act out the entire time I was there.
I sat there stunned.....that really hurt.....I thought we were beyond all that. I had to explain to him that I don't follow our rules because I fear the punishment, I follow our rules b/c it makes our relationship stronger....it makes us happier;therefore, it makes ME happier and more secure. I thought he knew that, but I guess I had never said it in those terms....it was quite an eye-opener. We live this lifestyle b/c it's what is best for us...it's what we need....it's what is going to pull us through.
Even though K's words hurt, they led us to a place of better understanding. I thought we were already there, but we weren't.
Tonight is maintenance. K has said he is going to address the "phone issue" then as well as the other problems we had last week. I have been promised a very long and hard spanking. I'm NOT looking forward to it...dreading it in fact....but I know that is what has to happen so we can move forward. I was wrong...so was he.....but we're working on getting back on track.
It's good to be home.
I have learned for myself, at the end of the day, nothing matters but us being in sync, in a loving place, and whatever it takes to get there is worth it. As for the cell, well it has helped me to think about things differently...to understand that my husband has his protective nature and his own anxieties and it eases his mind if I do certain things...be in touch when he needs me to, not drive overly fast...things that used to bug me, but it became easier when I realized that these were gifts I could give him... to ease his mind...and he does do so much for me. Hope you can get back to where you need to be soon! Sara
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that happened! I've gotten in trouble for the phone issue a time or two as well...And I'm sorry that he didn't trust you enough afterward! Yeah, that's not a fun feeling.
ReplyDeleteIn my case, though, I think I throw in the towel, just because I already messed up, there's no goal to be reached anymore, no reason to try (thus the reason for my complicated blog title, LOL). It's more the standards I set for myself, not so much because I'm already being punished. It's like I already failed, I have to wait until I have a clean slate to try again. I know, messed up, and I'm working on it. I'm also doing it less, but I still struggle with it (as you saw from my post).
But he should have not thought that of you, you're way more mature than me. And I'm glad he knows that now. :D
I'll be thinking about you tonight. I hope that it's not TOO hard, and that everything gets set back to where it's supposed to be. And I'm glad you guys finally get to be home again! Hugs!
Kay :)
Well...at least you'll get things straightened up and can start living together with a clean slate. So happy that YOU are happy and that you and he can work things out....
ReplyDeleteMy phone is the biggest issue with us two because I don't care for it one bit....Z practically sleeps with his. I call it 'the other woman."
Sara,
ReplyDeleteYou hit the nail on the head. All I want is to be back in sync. He doesn't ask that much from me and it makes me so mad that I let him down...almost immediately. He understands I didn't do it on purpose, but it kills me that he had those thoughts even for a second. We're working our way through.
Kay,
I understand the "clean slate" concept. I'm dreading tonight, yet I know we can't get past this until it's properly addressed. As for being more mature....ROFL!!! Not even close...he has, unfortunately, had reason to suspect me in the past (before we really started practicing DD). It was a stunner to realize how easily he reverted back to that...but, things are better now that we got it all out. Now all we have to do is get the consequences out of the way and move on...(gulp)
Ash,
It feels good to work/talk it out. Ready to move on.....I know what you mean about the phone...I know it's his life-line to work, but sheesh!!!
Ah the darn phone! I'm always being nagged and reminded but it's not a rule (it's going to be, I just know it) and I'm thankful for that.
ReplyDeleteWe are AWFUL at being apart too. It's all me, actually. Miss Independent comes out to play! Freedom goes to my head. I don't want to be told anything or held accountable.
My man might not tell me I was getting spanked either..he would worry I might not come home! *wink*
Stormy,
ReplyDeleteNow you've jinxed yourself...I'm sure his mind reading has kicked into high gear ;)
I hear you on the Miss Independent part. I used to be soooooo bad about it, but have been trying to work on the compromises we agreed upon. I think that's why I was so mad at myself for messing up IMMEDIATELY! And not on purpose...for once.