Lesson Learned

So, when I finished my blog yesterday, I was awaiting a long, hard maintenance session after a very rough week away from K.  I admit, I was really dreading it.  Part of me knew I had screwed up with the whole phone debacle, but there were so many variables involved that it wasn't very cut and dried. 

I wanted to re-connect with him, wipe the slate clean and start over, re-establish our roles...but I couldn't quite wrap my mind around what was coming later in the evening.  It's been a long time since I've felt that apprehensive about an upcoming spanking and honestly, I don't know where it was coming from.  I trust K completely.  I'm not scared of him b/c I know he would rather die than hurt me (I know, sounds crazy but those of you in this kind of lifestyle know what I mean).

I did my best to go about my day.  K was working in the home office all day and I would go visit him every once in a while.  He must have seen something in my eyes or my posture.  He finally sat me down on his lap and made me tell him what was up.  It all came tumbling out (with a bit of prodding)...the apprehension, the guilt, the conflicted feelings....all of it.  This wasn't me trying to weasel my way out of a spanking or worm my way into something lighter....I'm honestly not sure what it was.

Now, let me stop for a second to interject this....there have been a couple blogs about respect in the past few days and its role in TTWD.  If I didn't know K respected me before, he sealed it yesterday.

Instead of forging ahead full steam which he had every right to do....he listened to me....he considered.....and he comforted me.  He acknowledged my feelings and his role in the whole crazy mess.  He backed away from his earlier statement regarding how long and hard the spanking was going to be.  I think he knew I was really freaked out.  He even told me we wouldn't do it if I wasn't completely sure.......

This wasn't inconsistency, this wasn't waffling,  this wasn't indecisiveness, this wasn't topping from the bottom.....this was my HOH seeing my distress and adapting for the good of both of us.

The day continued and although I was still worried, I was able to go about my routine.

After dinner, K walked me over to the spankatorium  office where our maintenance sessions take place.  I was already almost in tears (what is up with THAT?)  I think the guilt and remorse I felt for the whole incident was just overwhelming me.  We sat on our couch and talked about it all again.  We talked about how he felt, how I felt, what we both did right and what we both did wrong.  We talked about how to avoid the problems in the future. 

Then it was time....I was resigned to my fate.  I screwed up...I was careless....I made him feel unimportant and disrespected.  I should have been getting  paddled as a punishment and I knew it deep down.  I just wanted to get it over with.

K told me to stand up.....I did......

He told me to look at him......I did....with tears....

He took both my hands, pulled me on his lap and hugged me. 

"We're not doing this tonight.  I know you're sorry, I know you will try not to let it happen again.  Things have been messed up for a while now...I've been busy...you've had to deal with all the moving and kids and family and ME.  I just want to hold you."

I think I cried harder at that moment than I ever have from a spanking.  He had every right to spank the daylights out of me...I knew it and I deserved it.  But he put my well-being ahead of all that.  He got his point across and he didn't feel the need to exert his dominance just for kicks.

We talked long into the night...about how our lives have changed with TTWD, how TTWD has changed for us since we started it (BTW...today is our 18 month anniversary of DD), where we're going to go from here.  I'm going to work very hard on regaining my submissive role...he's going to work really hard on getting me there.  We both need this to work.....it's a big part of who we are and how we function. 

Who would have thought one of the biggest lessons I've learned about spanking came after a non-spanking?  It's a crazy world......but I have a man who loves me, respects me, and leads me.