So, the re-education and re-connection continues. I have been promised a spanking tonight and it's not going to be the fun kind. As you know, K and I have been spending alot of time apart due to his work, our moving, etc...etc......
I am finally moved out of my place, but we can't move into OUR house until July 15. K has had to return to New Orleans for this week, so I've come with him (Hello from The Big Easy). Our car ride yesterday was anything but pleasant. We have started to reconnect, but it's still a process. I have been having some "child stress" and "ex-husband stress" on top of everything else. I admit it...my walls are up....WAY up...I'm circling the wagons and hunkering down. I want to let K in...I want him to help...I want to lean on him. But I'm struggling.
He's so busy, and so tired, and he has all his stress too. I don't want to add mine to his. I'm so used to dealing with adversity on my own that its hard for me to realize that someone else would want to share it with me.
So....back to our car trip. I'm angry (not at him, but at some of the c-r-a-p that life is throwing my way), I'm disappointed (I want my normal life and routine back), and I'm very distant. I just want to be left alone to wallow in my dark thoughts....but I can't. He keeps asking me what he can do (nothing), what can he say (nothing)...he wants to fix it (I know it's a man thing)....right now, he can't.
I tried to put on a smile...I really, really did...but I'm not a very good actress. I got sassy....and snarky....and downright bitchy (hey, 13 hours in a car will do that). He took it like a trooper...for about 50 miles. Then he got quiet....really, really quiet......cue the death march......
If it wouldn't have been a desolate stretch of highway in the dead of night (ok...11:30...but that's late to me), I think he would have pulled the car over right there. Instead, he just kept driving...silently....
At first, I was angry....then sad....then I pitied myself......I waged all kinds of arguments and justifications in my brain......I sighed.....and huffed.....and finally, I realized how I was acting. Sure, I can justify all my actions...sure I'm under a lot of stress....and emotional turmoil. But that doesn't give me the right to dump all over K when he's just trying to help and be supportive. I don't want him to take out his work frustrations on me and I shouldn't take my family stress out on him. I expect him to be my rock....not my trash can. There's a thin line between venting and trashing...and I have a real problem with finding those boundaries.
I am so used to K pulling me back, reigning me in, coming to get me (after I've lost control)....that it's hard for me to take that first step. But finally, I did reach over and hold his hand. He squeezed mine, but still never took his eyes off the road or spoke. I apologized...I told him all my fears and worries....I told him I thought I still had some resentment over our time apart even though I know it couldn't be helped. He listened and acknowledged my right to feel how I did...however, he told me (and rightly so) that it wasn't ok to take it out on him through my words and actions. He was always going to support me, but I had to let him.. not push him away with hateful and hurtful words. He wasn't putting up with it...ever. He would support me, but would not be my whipping boy (no pun intended).
The rest of our ride was fine...quiet, but peaceful.....we got here very, very late. He had to be at work at 6 am. He awoke me with a kiss and whispered he'd see me tonight. He also told me to think about the way I had been acting. He wants me to have a plan of action for us to discuss the next time stress rears (again, no pun intended) its head. He said we will figure out how to help each other through. He also told me to enjoy sitting down today, because when he gets back....I will be getting a long, hard spanking to re-adjust my attitude and re-establish our roles. I'm anxious, the butterflies have started...but I deserve it. I need it...I want to wipe the slate clean and start over.
I want from me exactly what I expect of him....support, love, understanding. When it all comes down to it...it really is K and I against the world.
I can relate to all of this, particularly dealing with stress when both partners are under stress from different sources.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you re-connected. I have a really hard time taking the first step to bridge the gap especially when it's a distance I created through my behaviour and attitude so kudos to you for having the courage to communicate.
K, Oh boy...been there myself! But as nervous as you are, isn't it nice to know that you have a way to deal with the issues, the negative behaviors, to process it all and out it behind you? I like that he has asked for a plan for how to handle things better next time. He obviously loves you a lot and is stepping up to make your marriage work better, even during the stressful times. Sara
ReplyDeleteOh wow, I relate to this too...I'm so glad we can be there for each other so we don't have to face our hard times alone. I am SO praying for you, I have been, I know it's such a hard time right now. Good job taking that first step to reconnect, and hang in there. I hope everything goes okay tonight, that it's not TOO painful, and that you're okay in the meantime. I hate the waiting part, it's horrible! Stay strong, and know you can always contact me if you need to vent. :)
ReplyDeleteSR,
ReplyDeleteI have a really hard time not being "perfect" and I tend to take it out on K...so not fair of me!
Sara,
He really does love me, especially in the times when I'm down right unlovable! We are working to make it better. Right now, I think I'm the one who needs a reality check.
Kay,
Thanks for all the prayers. Things are going better...we've done alot of talking. Last night was more painful emotionally than physically, but today I feel much better and grounded. I'm glad we have each other too!