Reconnect.....
Re-Establish.........
Re-Educate.........
That's what K and I have been doing this weekend. And it's not been very pretty. Not pretty at all.
I read Sara's blog today (findingsara.wordpress.com). She hit the nail squarely on the head regarding my feelings lately. I guess I had a little more resentment built up than I thought. I guess I was a little more hurt and sad than I thought. Follow this recipe...
3 weeks of little to no contact with K + moving (with little to no help from K) + a major confrontation with one of my teenaged children (grrrrr) + little to no discipline......then add in a gallon of PMS, mix thoroughly....and let stew.........what do you get???
An atomic explosion....just waiting to happen.....and it did....Wow, did it happen!
I thought having K home would make everything right again, peacefully, serene. Boy, was I wrong! We were detached, disconnected, distant. Don't know if it was me or him, or both. We just couldn't get in sync....sexually, emotionally, mentallly.....nothing. I was angry and frustrated...he was confused and tired. We tried to tiptoe around each other.....until......he said THE WRONG THING.
What he said is umimportant....but the explosion that followed wasn't. I got angry......really, really angry. I tried to walk away....he called me back....I argued...he argued....I tried to walk away again....he kept calling me back ( you would think he would have learned to let me cool off, but hasn't)....I tried to explain...he argued.....I tried to remove myself to another room....he kept me there.....I exploded.....I yelled....I cried.....I cussed.....I said mean, hateful things....I raged....and stomped....and cried some more.....all day....and into the evening.
We went to bed very angry with each other....and woke up...very angry with each other. Finally, K had ENOUGH! He took me by the shoulders, looked into my eyes and .....apologized (yes, really). Not for what he had originally said because he still stood behind it, but for letting the argument go on far too long. He apologized for not stopping it immediately like he should have. He said he was worried because things had been so tense with us. He didn't want to upset me right off the bat. He apologized for letting me free fall into my anger...he apologized for not reeling me back in. He acknowledged my feelings on the subject of the argument...but didn't change his mind or his stance. He agreed we would talk about a compromise to avoid the argument in the future. Then he flipped me on my stomach...and reconnected....re-established.....re-educated (with the black strap).
We had our maintenance session last night....and the topic was revisited again......and so was my bottom with the strap . He has reclaimed his status of HOH...although he never really lost it. I feel much better about him, and us, and me. I hope we both can learn from this separation and not let it get so crazy again. But, if it does, I know he will not hesitate (again) to step in or step up to put us back on track.
I'm glad he's home.
Just a thought, but men and women really do have such different styles of and goals for communication. It sounds like K may not be able to get a woman's perspective on your disagreements. Men often do not realize that oftentimes when a woman says something, she is not looking for an answer, she is looking for comfort or love or respect or some emotional support (even acknowledgement!).
ReplyDeleteFor a man, this is the hardest thing to both understand and to practice. When men communicate, we are (as with this post) very goal oriented, and want to get a point across. We want to fix it.
Therein often lies the problem. the man is frustrated because he can't fix it, the woman angry because he is not connecting emotionally. the woman does the worst thing she can do--disrespects her man, and that sets him off.
So both sides have to understand the dynamics of conflict between the sexes. I'm not a counselor or anything of the sort, these are just my ideas.
But I'm glad to hear at the end of the day it all got worked out, and I hope the two of you will continue to work on effectively communicating so you can avoid those blow ups by letting out a little steam at a time!
Neo,
ReplyDeleteBoy did you call that one right! Men are from Mars, women from Venus, K from Saturn and I'm from Jupiter. I try to remember that men approach conflict so much differently, but I think there were so many other emotions and dynamics in play, that unfortunately, a blow up was somewhat inevitable. I'm hoping we can both remember this and try to identify the hot buttons BEFORE the explosion from now on. We've done ALOT of talking since yesterday...and I feel much stronger and peaceful. I love hearing your comments...thanks for taking the time!
K, is it in something in the stars this week? Of course, I know just how you feel. The only difference is that after 6 summers like this, at least I don't have total melt downs anymore...just partial! ;) I am glad things are better...they are for us as well. Sara
ReplyDeleteSara,
ReplyDeleteYou don't know how much better you made me feel. Only 6 summers??? Well shoot....I'm almost there :) I wanted so bad NOT to have a melt down...but, alas, it wasn't meant to be. I'll try harder next time....glad things have smoothed for you too...it's always something
Separations are tough. I love that he apologized for not taking care of the matter immediately! Now may be a good time to pull out those cards... ;)
ReplyDeleteEeeek, you walked away? He's a patient man! I'm glad he drew the boundaries for you when you needed him to. Sorry it's been rough for you lately though
ReplyDeleteRogue,
ReplyDeleteThat's what I was thinking...wink, wink...:)
Stormy,
I didn't want to lose it completely so I did walk away. Unfortunately, I lost it anyway....sigh. It's been so much better since though...thanks for the sympathy.