There seems to be quite a bit of debate lately regarding the use and effectiveness of maintenance spanking. Let me just say off the top, I am a BIG supporter of maintenance spankings in our household. I understand that some subs shudder at the thought of a spanking "just because" or "for no express reason". However, for me, these are the reasons we use them.
1.) I am a tried and true, dyed-in-the-wool, 100% spanko. I have been interested in spanking for as long as I can remember. I don't know why...it's just the way I'm wired. Quite frankly, spanking (in the right context), turns me on. However, there is NOTHING sexy or sexual about a true punishment spanking. In my opinion, if you or your HOH is getting turned on by punishment, then you must not be doing what we are. K is not "playing" when he wields that paddle for punishment. I feel bad/sad/guilty/mad/disappointed/contrite, etc. when he punishes me....the last thing I feel is sexy or turned on.
If I only had this kind of spanking, I would be robbing both K and I of the sexual side of spanking. The aspect that is the most fun.
2.) Maintenance brings K and I together on so many different planes...emotionally, physically, mentally...we don't use maintenance just so he can smack my butt. There is a whole ritual to it....starting with our discussion of the past week, clearing up grievances (on both sides), clarifying agreements, reconnecting as a man and a woman. We have written the guidelines for our maintenance "meetings".....how they will be conducted, what I can expect, what I need from him, etc. I know not all couples need such structure, but it works for us. It opens the lines of communication and keeps them open. I know I am being heard and K knows he is giving me what I need. The actual spanking doesn't take place until both sides are satisfied with the discussion.
3) Without maintenance, I know I would spiral out of control. I don't have to worry about "when" the next spanking will come. I don't have to worry that I won't be held responsible for my behavior. We don't have hard feelings over lack of consistency. There are no "ifs". I don't have to act out to get his attention and the spanking I want and need. I know it's coming every Sunday night.
4) I love the feelings a good, hard spanking leaves me with. I feel loved and protected. I know this man will take care of me...all of me. Maintenance reinforces the roles we have chosen for our relationship. Sure, there are lots of other ways I am submissive to K, but submitting to his spanking reinforces my submission in the most concrete way (for me). It is the physical act of giving my body to him...trusting him....knowing that he can and will give me what I need.
5) Punishment spankings can be scary. They hurt....there are all sorts of other emotions involved. Sexual spankings are erotic. They are meant as a prelude to other fun activities. I need something in between them.
Our maintenance meetings are meant to put me in the submissive frame of mind...sometimes K sends me to "think" about what is to come, or about some issue we have been having. We have built in aspects to maintenance that I won't go into here, but that are designed to bring me back to my submissive side...depending on where I am emotionally at that time.
For those who need a "reason" for a maintenance spanking, these are the goals we hope the discussion/spanking/aftermath will accomplish (yes, we have these written down also)...and we read them occasionally before the actual spanking:
Reasons for Maintenance in Our House...
1. As a reminder to follow established rules and to be a "good girl".
2. To firmly re-establish our roles as "HOH" and submissive.
3. To avoid letting small issues interfere with our relationship.
4. As a reminder that punishment spankings will hurt MUCH worse and should be avoided at all costs.
5. To curtail any borderline behavior (nip it in the bud, so to speak).
I'm not saying this way would work for everyone, but it works for us. I can't imagine having it any other way. However, each couple has to figure out how to navigate these choppy waters for themselves. For me, I'm happy with our arrangement. It's working so far!
It sounds like you are doing a great job. I was very happy to see you include the emotion of mad as one you feel when being punished. Even though usually it's the women who introduce spanking into the relationship, it doesn't mean we don't sometime get mad when we're spanked.
ReplyDeleteI curious how often sex follows maintenance. I think my biggest disappointment with spanking in our relationship is that I can't get Nick to understand spanking is not only a sexual activity. I love the erotic side of spanking but I need so much more from it. He's begin to spank, he says, because of some of my unhealthy lifestyle choices, or blowing off housework or something he's asked me to do but after spanking for just a few minutes his mind is only on sex. I feel he ignores what spanking could do for my mental health and our relationship and only spanks when he wants sex. It make me feel resentful at times. Maybe when we have more privacy things will improve, but I have my doubts.
Sorry for writing a book here,
PK
Well said. This is pretty much exactly how i fell about maintenance also. We do ours on Sunday night as well.
ReplyDeleteSweetie, I know for sure, I would get more punishment spankings if we didn’t use maintenance. I wonder… Were you listening in when we had our discussion about the purpose and goals of maintenance? I think you must have been. Sometime I need a little help staying on track.
ReplyDeletePK,
ReplyDeleteSex NEVER follows a punishment...we both feel it would blur the lines. After maintenance...probably 50/50...depending on how the "meeting" went, what we discussed, how the previous week had gone, etc. He usually takes his cue from me....I agree that it is hard to keep the reasons for spanking separate. I guess that's why we felt the need to make a formal contract of what we both want and need from our sessions (some might even call us OCD). I found it takes ALOT of talking and communication (even now almost a year later) and sometimes we still get it wrong! I also found sharing certain blogs with K can explain what I want when I can't find the words. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you that he sees the benefits of what you want so badly...hang in there.
First Mate,
Glad you agree...love my Sunday nights (usually) :)
Little Missie,
I promise I wasn't listening...but it makes me feel better to know you feel the same!
Very well said, and I agree 100%. In fact, "maintenance" is now truly the cornerstone of our Dd lives. I don't understand when people say they "need a reason for spanking". The reason, as you outlined, is connection, reaffirmation of roles and boundaries, prevention of the need for punishment. Those are reasons enough in my book, and I am sure the fact that we do "maintenance", usually twice a week, is why I end up punished very rarely! Thanks for a great post K! Sara
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your way, it sounds very concrete and good for both of you.
ReplyDeleteSara,
ReplyDeleteThank you!! I completely agree...I would be in lots more trouble (either consciously or sub-consciously) if we didn't have maintenance. I can just see "the brat" shining through. Reminds me of Barney from Andy Griffith..."just nip it in the bud!!"
I have mixed feelings on it. I don't like the idea of being spanked regardless. But if it would lessen punishments and include lots of talking (which i wish we did more), I might not be THAT opposed. But Jay has to come to that point on his own, anyway. I don't have even a choice right now. He does now know about it though.
ReplyDeleteVery good post...I get lots of reminders like I said today in my post....I'm wondering if that's the same as maintance since it happens often but isn't necessarily "punishment." Hmmmmm. But...they usually happen after I have done something wrong.....is that maintenance?
ReplyDeleteI like how concrete it is for you and I'm glad it's working so well.
ReplyDeleteKay, It really is a personnal decision to be decided among couples. You know, what works for you, etc...I do think my favorite part of the whole thing (aside from after), is the honest, open communication.
ReplyDeleteAshley, Not sure what you would classify yours. I guess the name isn't as important as the result. I got a "sorta maintenance" this morning for being a real smart ass...so, not sure what I would call it either...I'm open to suggestions though....something snappy ;) We need to ask Rogue or Stormy to give us a great name for it...
Stormy, Thanks darling!! Good to hear from you!!
It sounds like sometimes your maintenance involves a bit of punishment if the time comes for it and there is a reason. So, in one way, it looks like you've established a set time to review your behavior. I think that's an excellent idea because it prevents the kind of disconnect that can easily happen when both partners are busy.
ReplyDeleteIn my relationships I've typically used maintenance mainly as a reminder. This was separate from those times when we needed to review behavior. I would agree that it lessened the need for actual punishments because it kept the girl on notice that she was being watched and was not likely to get away with anything.
The last thing you need from a submissive is for them to think you aren't paying attention. That's a recipe for trouble.