A New Action Plan

I have an attitude problem.

I'm not sure where it came from, but I wish it would go back there.  I'm tired of the way I'm acting.  I stopped taking my Paxil about 3 months ago, which coincidentally, is about the time my attitude showed up.  Hmmm...correlation?  Probably

I don't want to be on meds...I really, really don't.  But I'm beginning to think maybe I need to be.  I really thought once I got through my major life-stressors, that I could leave them behind.  I'm beginning to re-think that position.

Because THAT position is causing me to be in another not so fun position, getting some not so wanted attention.

I am bitchy....and rude.....and fly off the handle...and raise my voice....and fight to the death over the STUPIDEST things.  I'm tired of it....and K is tired of it.....and it's taking a toll on our relationship.

So, I've come up with a plan of action:

1.  Call the doctor!  I have an appointment next week with a new doctor (ugh) to review my chemical needs.

2.  Ask for K's help.....gulp....can't believe I did it, but something has got to give.  It's my deal...I know it and I need to fix it, but I need him too.  So this is what we came up with....

A.  There will be a low to zero tolerance for bitchiness, rudeness, raised voice, or general disrespect.  I have been raising my voice to K and not even realizing it...that's how out of hand it's gotten.

B.  There will be swift and sure consequences at the moment of the occurence...a couple hard swats usually get my attention very quickly and let me know he means business.  In the past, he would try to "talk me down" or reason with me.  Right now, I am not a reasonable person.

C.  If any correction of the above sort is needed during the day, we will have a meeting that night before bed where it will be addressed again.  He's already told me he will not hesitate to use the paddle...every night if need be.  Have I ever told you how much I hate that frickin' paddle?

D.  I have a tendency to get rude and disrespectful during our phone calls.  K's office is almost 2 hours away from our home, so he does A LOT of driving and we have a lot of phone calls to each other.  Somehow, I almost always use this time to push the boundaries of my tone and attitude.  No more....he will call me on it with one warning only...then I will be waiting....probably without any pants for him to get home...and it will be dealt with not only then, but during our "meeting" before bed.

E.  He will use more mental exercises to get me back into my submissive mindset....I'm not sure what that entails, but I'm sure it will be effective.

I asked him if he found this all ridiculous...do I ask too much? Am I too needy? 

He fully embraces all of my suggestions.  He said he's been thinking the same thing, but he doesn't want to rule with an iron fist...he doesn't want to stifle who I am....but he agrees that something has to be done, it's gotten way out of hand. 

And he told me he was proud of me for recognizing the problem, and taking the responsibility not only for my actions but in trying to find a solution to fix it.  He also said that he wasn't "playing".  If I just wanted a spanking every night, to just say so...b/c if I asked for and agreed for this, it was going to happen....every day....and every night....until it was better.  He said he would work on the way he talked to me also, that respect goes both ways.  I'm ashamed to say he's been much better about this than I have lately.  But it's going to change...it has to.

I want us to be ok.  I want to be the best person I can for him and for us.  I want this to work.....and I really think it will.