I feel like I'm drowning.....
I reached out to K for my life jacket......
And he handed me a couple boulders......
I know we have all touched on this subject before. Where do you go and want do you do when your HOH isn't perfect? How do you react when he lets you down...hurts you....disappoints you?
Submission is such a tricky, scary, vulnerable place to be. I let down my walls....took off my armor.....shed my shell....and exposed the most intimate parts of me for him.
What do I do when he takes that gift and stabs me in the heart with it?
Now he says he is sorry....now he says he didn't mean to hurt me....now he says he needs me.....but I can't go there right now....not yet.
Now he says he was just angry and wasn't thinking....I know that....but it's not ok. It's not acceptable.
I'm sad.....
and angry.....
and hurt.....
and disappointed.......
and falling......I need him to catch me....but I don't want to be dropped......
How can one little comment cause so much strife?
How can he not know me well enough to know how his words affect me?
How can he not know how much I needed him to support me?
Why didn't he look beyond his own petty issues and see how much I needed him?
Why did he have to go after me in the most vulnerable place possible?
Why can't I just accept it was a mistake and move on? Why isn't "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it" good enough?
I know he's not perfect....I know HOH is hard.....I know I expect a lot from him (but I do from me too)....I know we'll get past this.....
But right now.....
I can't......I don't know how......I'm drowning......and I don't see the shore anywhere in sight.
I'm sorry things are so hard right now K's sweetie. Hang on, things will get better. It's not easy when our guys make mistakes, and it may take time to get the trust back that was fractured, but you'll get through it together. Big hugs!
ReplyDeletewow. It isn;t the first time this has happened, but i am right there with you. I'm just too upset to even blog about it.((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I know you can't see the shore but it is there. The things we've said that we pray we could take back. The things said to us that we wish we could un-hear.
ReplyDeleteHere on the blog is a good place to let your hurt feeling out with people who understand. We do care about you, we know K is a good guy. That doesn't mean you can't be angry with him sometime when he's not perfect. We know you're still solid but you can vent here.
I really hope you feel better soon,
PK
I've only read a tiny bit of your blog...and can't now cause I must work, but read this post and my heart went out to you. I know I've been there and they are the hardest of days. I don't have any good advice except to say that if you are fortunate enough to be around each other today, try to stick close to him. Don't worry about the talking or explaining or trying to fix anything...just be near each other and try not to pull back too far.
ReplyDeleteHope everything works out. Maybe you just need a minute to sit with your feelings until the fog of the hurt lifts and you're able to process things a bit more.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure things will be fine in the end.
Hugs....Hugs...submission opens us up to be more vulnerable to the good and wonderful..and not so good. hang in there. I have found that after every very difficult time, comes learning and growth and a stronger tie. HUGS...
ReplyDeleteI am SO very sorry. I've been there myself. Not often, but more than once. Sometimes "I am sorry" is just not enough. Yes, he's human, but he needs to be a better human! ;) Sometimes it takes time to rebuild the trust. If he broke it, he needs to fix it. That's his job. He'll come up with something, and eventually his "I'm sorry" will resonate with you and feel trustworthy. Just hang in there! Hugs, Sara
ReplyDeleteoh hon - big hugs - i agree with Sara hang in there chick :) it will get better. I know how you are feeling right now - exactly the same - and for me I go inward, hide in myself. It will get better though :) have faith in yourself in your ability to forgive and have faith in K's ability to be genuinely sorry for what he has done - :) love and big hugs xxx
ReplyDeleteOh, goodness, I hear that 'one little comment'! Rip my freaking heart out, why dontcha! I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Hang in there, girlie! Do you want us to come hold him down while you spank him??? j/k :)
ReplyDeleteOh no, I'm so sorry. The truth is he IS there, it just doesn't feel safe yet. Be sure it isn't pride holding you back- if he has asked for forgiveness you need, as his partner, to offer it.
ReplyDeleteTell yourself the truth. Don't operate on emotion alone. The hurt will go away faster when you are in his arms, not at arms length. Trust me.
Baby,
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly what I needed. K wants to make things happen and get to the solution, so he was very impatient with this. Once I told him to just let me be for a while, he backed off. Things are better today. Thanks!
Sara,
Thanks Sara. You are exactly right and you give such good advice. He's trying to fix it and I'm trying to let him...we'll get there.
Kiwi,
That's exactly what I wanted to do...just go inward and protect myself. It's hard to put yourself out there knowing you might be hurt, but I have to keep going. He is truly sorry and wants to make it better. I just have to let him....and I'm trying.
Rogue,
I guess if I didn't love him so much, it wouldn't affect me as strongly. Yes, if you and about 12 others would come over, I think we might be able to handle him...gosh, wouldn't that be GREAT...just once.....I'm going to keep that in the back of my mind! (Big, evil grin)