I am struggling. I have been working so hard at my submissive side. I am not a normally submissive person to ANYONE, but it is the gift that I have chosen to give to K. I know that this is needed to make our relationship work. We are both very strong, intimidating, opinionated people. If something didn't give, we were going to implode. I know this....but I still have issues. We have used communication to work through most of our gray areas, but now another has popped up and I find myself unwilling and unable to bend
It all revolves around my bathing suit. I know, stupid, right? But as we all know, the bathing suit is only the symptom. I have two suits...the first is a one-piece, black...BORING, the other is a two piece...halter on top, sportish skirt on bottom. Now keep in mind, I am in my early 40's. I'm not a teeny-bopper anymore, nor do I dress like one. This suit is made for middle-aged women like me. I am fairly well endowed on top....and a few pounds heavier than I should be...but still look decent in this suit. I also wore it all last summer to the pool. You know how hard it is to be confident at a pool...and I feel pretty good in this suit.
Today, I made plans to meet a girlfriend at the pool at our apartment. She's had a tough week and I thought a couple hours of girl talk and sun would do us both some good. When I told K, he said, "fine, but you will wear the one piece..." What??? Really??? Since when does he dictate what I wear? I think I have a pretty good sense of style and what looks good on me and what is appropriate for a woman of my age. I don't know why, but this really set me off....the crazy thing is that I had already planned to wear the one-piece, but as soon as I was TOLD to wear it, I wanted to wear the other. Why is that? Why do I dig my heels in over something that seems so petty?
I partly think it's because I worry if I give in to this, what's next? Short length? Skirt length? Gunney sacks and turtle necks. I don't know why this bothers me so much. K says, as the HOH, he has the final decision on how much skin I show. I say, the way I dress is a reflection of my personnal style, it's part of my identity. Yes, I dress for him, but I mostly dress to make myself happy and confident. How do I make him see that? He says I'm looking for attention from other men...I say no way. He has always thought I was sexy...why is he now wanting me to cover it up?
How do you explain the difference between control and controlling? I tried to use the analogy that I am a baby bird...you can love the baby bird with all your heart, but you have to hold it gently and lovingly. If you squeeze it too tight, you will kill it. K says, if you hold it too loosely, it will fly away. I told him, Yes, you can hold it tightly and it will never leave, but it will also be dead...just a shell of its former self or you can hold it loosely, support it, love it....and instead of flying away, it will come sit on your shoulder forever because it wants to.
How do I explain this to my man? That holding on tightly just makes me want to spread my wings and escape? I love him so, and I know he loves me. I know his controlling nature comes from his fear of losing me...but I'm not going anywhere....I don't want to. I just want to be me....Can anybody help me? When I agreed to TTWD, did I give up my right to make any decision? Is his word always the law, even when it comes to something so personnal as the way I dress? I really need some advice. If you think the answer to these questions is yes, please tell me. Help me...I'll take any advice I can...how does this work in your relationship? I'm open to all points of view.......thanks....
I sympathize, but can't help since we're still figuring all that out too. I think you need an expert. I'd go ask Sara of Finding Sara, about this one, since she has a lot of wisdom about this kind of thing, and so does Grant. I've been a lurker on her site for awhile (although for some reason I get shy about commenting still, LOL).
ReplyDeleteThanks for your advice Kay...I use Sara's site like my "bible". Hopefully, some of our wise veterans will give me some constructive advice...things have gone from bad to worse today....sigh.....
ReplyDeleteI can only share from my experience. I live the life of that baby bird. For our whole marriage I tried to fly while he held tightly. He was (and is) too possessive. It was only when I submitted fully that he stopped holding as tightly. When I quit fighting his suffocating ways, he had to stop and think about it. We have learned to strike a balance we can both live with. I have a few posts about this on my blog, because it's such a huge issue for us.
ReplyDeleteIf I were in your exact situation, I'd wear the one piece. He may have noticed something you have not. There may be someone or something he is concerned about, that he chooses not to share with you.
Don't get me wrong, I'd feel the same way you do. And have! But obeying brings more peace. Try to trust his intentions, if not always his methods. :) I'm still learning this too, believe me.
Thanks Stormy,
ReplyDeleteThis is really good advice and it really is what I'm trying to do. I think I'm afraid that if I give up control, I might give up myself...but I guess that's where the trust comes in. It's just so scary...but I'll keep trying. And just as a side note, after the big fight...and spanking...and tears, the next morning he gave me money and told me to go buy a suit that I liked and that he would be happy with. So, we are working toward each other...I really love this man...possessiveness and all.
Wow, that's really nice that he did that. My man just shrunk my world a little further, he told me to obey him about going to see my doctor about something, or else get spanked. I am feeling very upset and controlled, and it's a struggle for me to give this up. It's my life and my body..I want to scream at him. So just wanted to tell you, I do understand not wanting to give up any more freedoms. Boy do I ever understand. :)
ReplyDeleteStormy-
ReplyDeleteIt is so much harder to "obey" and "submit" when it comes to our own bodies. I've changed my vote for president over some of these issues!! I'm sure you know, like I do, that they are really just concerned for our over-all health and well-being,but it's so hard to swallow sometimes. I'll be thinking about you....thanks for sharing and letting me know I'm not the only one
There's a saying that women dress for other women. When you choose what to wear, what are you really doing? You might think you are dressing to please yourself, but in reality, I suspect you are dressing to please society. You have already submitted to what society wants you to do.
ReplyDeleteThis is a hard pattern to break. Each thing about it makes you think about what "other people" will think about what you're wearing. If you didn't care about what they thought, wouldn't you just put on what made you comfortable (probably nothing, if you were going swimming, because that is the ideal thing to swim in)?
When you picked these bathing suits, what were you thinking? Were you thinking about how they made you look? To WHOM? You were thinking about what others would think you looked like in them.
Do any of them mean as much as your man?
I had a long-term relationship with a woman. I made her wear what I wanted. It didn't make her especially happy sometimes, but she complied (occasionally after being punished sufficiently) because she had submitted. I rather doubt that anyone else noticed what she was wearing.
But to the extent that the other women noticed, I'm pretty sure they were thinking, at least subconsciously, "That woman is dressing for her man, not for us. That means she's getting it." And I think that might have made them feel something, like a little tinge of envy.
Wow, Rich...that really got me thinking. Thank you for taking the time to leave me your thoughts. It's so great to hear from "the other" side. You are right, nothing I have that is material means as much as my man. Never thought of dressing for other women, but I suppose you are right mostly. Should or does this make a difference to the HOH? Should I even try to explain it to him? We did come up with a workable solution for both of us...so in my opinion, that's a step in the right direction. Again, thank you so much for weighing in...I look forward to your comments in the future.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it would make a difference to him. Why don't you ask him? I think it would make for a very interesting discussion. It would probably help him to understand what's going on in your mind.
ReplyDeleteWomen have very complex thoughts and feelings about their looks. Sometimes it can help for their man to help them simplify those thoughts.
I'm glad that what I wrote was helpful for you.
Rich,
ReplyDeleteWe did discuss this in more general terms. I think I got him to start to understand what goes through my mind when dressing and how there is so much more to it than just the physical appearance. We have agreed to continue to communicate with each other to try to reach a compromise we can both be happy with. He isn't an overbearing ogre and I know he is coming from a place of love and concern. Sometimes that's hard to remember in the heat of the moment. I really hope you continue to comment when you can...like hearing your thoughts.